Rememberance, the who I was a year ago.

I wrote some of my best poetry when I was angry, and at the moment I feel the heat at my neck, and that bitter taste at the back of my throat. I haven't felt like that in a very long time. I haven't felt the anger swell for a long time. I'm savouring it for a moment. Before I let it go. So instead of letting anger wash over me like before I've decided to put back in its place. And so I went through my post archives for a suitable poem. I didn't want the anger to fuel anymore poetry, not a wise thing.

So I found this...

Deep and Directed Unadultrated Hatred

My soul is engulfed in rage,
My blood pulses in my temples,
My anger rise to the surface,
My hatred I embrace,

Joy and sadness,
Apprehension and expectation, at its return fills me,
Too long have we been separated,
The sudden sense of familiarity,

The pain of heartache long buried returns,
The life I lead returns to haunt me,
The mask I've long held falls to pieces,
Stare upon death itself I do,

Now I feel the cold emptiness return,
My life as it is today,
My life as it has been today,
I am alone, my hatred, my only warmth.

That was me a year ago.

To you oh saddened one, joy has sprung forth;
Sadness no longer clouds your day,
The bright sun has pierced its dark vale,
And a spring of joy, your hearts desire to assuage,

To you oh pained one, healed are your wounds;
The place where your heart did break,
With joy, for its own sake,
Through kindness and love a mending did make,

To you oh angered one, peace you have found;
The rage that once burnt in your veins,
A shadow of the past, no more pain,
Once a mighty torrent, no longer remains,

To you oh restless one, slumber you have gained ;
Saddened and pained to the tempest you raged;
Your soul, peace has found,
This is who I am today

In Christ

Tristan D.

Good I think...

I can't decide if I've been having a bad couple of days or a good couple of days... I think mostly good...

Tell me what you think, it begins with a friday,

Friday 5.30pm,

Computer terminates itself, then on restart no display, no windows logon just a blank screen.
I try repairing and find a bent pin. A short circuit has occured and is beyond my expertise.
I'm sad, my assignment is on my hard drive. Due date is wednesday.

Friday 9.00pm

Nothing to do so I head to a CC, play for awhile, spend $$$ and come home to my room, good thing was the mama cat was around and well I got welcomed by her. Always makes me smile.

Saturday 12.30pm

Aunty picks me up so I can take my damaged pc for repair.
We get to hang out, have lunch together and chat. Very nice. Got BK for lunch.
First headed to 1U cause she needed to pick up some stuff. Then to low yat.

Saturday 3.30 pm

STUCK IN A JAM for over an hour, finally we reach low yat.
Carried my heavy pc to the shop, the guy tells me to go upstairs.
There was a moment when I seriously thought of tossing the casing at his smilling face.

Saturday 4.50pm

After depositing my pc and being told it will take 3 weeks to be repaired, my aunt and I depart low yat for home, I have a church function to attend at 7,30pm (or so I thought)

Saturday 6.00pm

I reach my aunt's home, she looks exhausted, she wasn't feeling well, I wish I could have done something about that, I hope that I didn't agrivate her illness with all the running around.
so I think I have an hour and a half to be ready. I relax. And iron my shirt. Relaxing!
at 7pm before heading for a shower I check the dinner ticket. DINNER starts at 7pm zOMG!!!
I run into the shower and have one of the quickest baths of my short life.

Saturday 7.30pm

I'm waiting for my aunt who also has a dinner to attend. She looks fabulous in her outfit. But i can still see how drained she is. Well we hop into the car, I am at the wheel. I get to my dinner at 8.00pm an hour late... This is all my fault.

Saturday 8.00pm

I walk in late and embarrased, they've started eating, I was wondering whether I had miss the message. Thank God I hadn't, but I still felt so malaysian. Anyway the pastor's wife asked me to sit at her table. The evenings conversation was good and after about 5-10mins I got up and had dinner.

Saturday 8.45

The message. It was brilliant. It was for non-christians and I think it touched some lives. BRILLIANT.

Saturday 11.00pm

I got to speak to the guys from Oxford again. Things got better. This time I spoke to Caroline, Bryony and Ben. That was brilliant. Speaking to them brought my spirits up.

Sunday 9.00am

I set out for church nothing much happened.

Sunday 10.30am

Got to church on time. SMACC is just brilliant. Pasror Andrew ROCKs!! LOL.. It's true though. I like him. He really made me feel welcomed. Accepted. Everyone at SMACC did... And I've commited myself to playing bass for them. And helping out in anyway that I can.

Sunday 1pm - 5pm

This sunday I spoke to Caroline a LOT!! She must have been glad to be rid of me by the end of the day. I found out a few things about her. She's Welsh, her degree is in Math and Philosphy(Can't be bothered to check if I spelt that right). Anyway, now Caroline is about 5' 4" and gorgeous and she's doing a degree that scares the pants off me... Seriously! It sounds hard... I think it's hard... and this girl is still sane... God is Good!! Brilliant, absolutely so... I loved speaking to her, joking with her, made my morning that's for sure!!.

Later I spoke to Ben. He's doing history as a degree. Sounds fun... I couldn't do history in school to save my life. So Ben I salute you. And does he have a sense of humour. I loved that brilliant sense of humour. Spoke to Greg for a bit not much though but still I liked him, there was Gordon who I didn't get a chance to speak to except in passing, but he's a brilliant fellow.
Michael, he tall very tall! Makes me look like a midget! He's doing Ancient Languages at Oxford, my dad would have liked him. I sure did!

There was Laura as well, she is the only one not originally from England. She's from Virginia. And I didn't speak to her much but the little bit that I did I enjoyed.

I met more people from the church at lunch, I met a lady and her husband. She's french and he's english :). Their children were brilliant. Elizabeth only 11 years old had the mind of an 18 year old. Gerard I didn't get to speak to much. But has an eye for architecture. And art.

After lunch a bunch of us went to la bodega for "tea" we ended up playing taboo.

Sunday 800pm

After the second service and more chatting we headed to dinner. Sat next to Caroline. I think her ears must have been burning with me jibber jabbering all night :)

She was feeling sad. It was their last night in Malaysia and the didn't want to go back. I didn't want them to leave, in the few hours I had been around them I grew so attached to them like I had known them forever. I was sad

Sunday 9.30pm

Nobody really wanted to go home, I know I didn't want them to go home. So there we were at McD's. I finally got to speak to Bryony, she'd been acting weird all day. Too many cups of coffee apparently, I thought she'd been avoiding me... the pesimist that I am... lol... though I didn't think it was true... :) just me being me. Anyway so I spent the remainder of the night talking to her and Ben and Michael and Sam (their leader) and talking to her and the rest of them just made it so much harder so say Goodbye. Caroline hugged me, so did Ben, in fact he tried to tackle me. Or at least that what it appeared to be at first. Said bye to them all. Bye to Bryony, Michael, Laura, Gordon, Ben, Greg, Caroline and Sam.

Sunday 11.00pm

The sadness sets in. 8 new friends all going back to England. I may never see them again. I'm just glad to have had bit of their time.

I still have all the wonderful people at SMACC, but it's never easy to let go of good people.

I'm gonna miss them all.

Christian Fellowship has its ups and downs

In Christ

Tristan D.

Delusions & Distorted Truths

It's amazing how a human being can delude him/herself so much. The power of suggestion. Mind boggling. Sad to see as well. Like ants, drones slaves to a queen, in this case the queen is the delusion.

We delude ourselves mainly to escape the depravity of our actions. And we delude others, so that they may not see either, the blatant depravity that stands before them. We gravitate to like minded people and in doing so further strengthen our delusions.

We live in a world filled with pain and suffering, a world bereft of honour and integrity, where man has no interest in the good of his fellow man. Where lives are nothing more than pawns to be played with. Where a friend today, is an enemy tomorrow.

This is the world we have made. This our dystopia.

These are the lives we live, where repentance and forgiveness have no place, where regret falls on deaf ears, where hearts are hardened, so hard they can no longer see their undoing.

How does it benefit a man if he gains the world but loses his soul?
I've thought about it a lot.
This world and it's people are not worth the loss of my soul.
The rot in them is so deep, it is a wonder Lucifer has not proclaimed hell on earth.

The rot is in me too. I see it, I want to strike back at those who would hurt me. Uncaringly and unforgivingly. I wish to strike back without regret and without remorse, as savagely and as brutally as I know how. I would slaughter all who opposed me. The violence and capacity to act out is there in my mind and body.

But I won't do it, I have made my choice, and I lie in the bed I have made. I've ended my delusions.

I am in the world, but I am not of the world. So the bible says. It's a good thing that I have something to hold onto, something that will always remain true. Something that will never leave me. That is family, not just flesh and blood family, but christian family.

It is good to be with them, there is no condemnation. And no judgement. No duplicity. Only acceptance. It's sad that I've missed it for so long.

To my non christian friends, those of you who are left. You know who you are. Or at least I know who you are. I am not saying that you don't accept me, or that you judge me. Merely highlighting the fact that acceptance is easily found among other christians :)

My love for christian family has not changed my love for you.

Finally for the many deluded people of the world, I feel pity. You don't know what your missing.
I suppose as I used to say ignorance is blissful, until you fall into a pit. Then you realise you should have been watching where you're going.

In Christ

Tristan D.

Change

Some say change is good, others loath it. They loath it because they can no longer control what happens around them. And as luck would have it, things recently changed for me. At first I was trying so hard to oppose it. I didn't want to let go of the old me, the one I had become so attached to. I was afraid because I thought I no longer knew any other way to live.

In that life I had a vice. And that vice was so alluring, so tempting, I convinced myself that I loved my vice. I wanted my vice everyday. All the time. But today I look back and see what a terrible thing that vice was, ensnaring me into a world where God had no place. A world of mistrust, and treachery.

In that life I forgot what it was to be a christian.
It's not the fault of the vice.
It's a fault of my own device.

And now things have changed,

The most exciting thing that happened to me this weekend was going to church.

A few months ago I would have seen it as pathetic. But not anymore. I'm thrilled that the most exciting thing that happened to me was church. It's a return to priority and first love. I was happy again, I am happy again. I haven't felt this much joy in months. Real joy. I haven't felt so at ease with who I am then I do now. It's been so long since new people have made me feel welcomed. They were genuinely happy to have me there. And all they did was talk to me. They made me feel like I belonged. I've forgotten what other christians are like.

You're probably wondering "What about the church you attend in Ipoh?" I've known everyone in that church since I was in diapers, it's a different thing all together. It's like how you know your parents love you, so you're always looking for it outside of your home, cause you expect your parents to love you. At least that's how it is for me.

It was just awesome to be so welcomed.
No one judging you, just accepting you the way you are.
Brilliant!

There was a girl there, from the UK, and you know what talking to her was brilliant. I haven't had a chat like that in ages. It's been so long since I've sat down and actually spoken to another human being apart from my family for more than 5 minutes, and a girl too. She was really nice, studying at Oxford University, absolutely brilliant. We talked for about an hour and a half. That was the third most exciting thing about my weekend.

I kinda skipped the second I know, if only to be dramatic, it is my blog after all, and if I say second comes after third then so it shall be. I digress, so now they've asked me to play bass guitar for them on sunday's at their service. This is an exciting thing cause well it gives me something to do on the weekends I'm in KL rather than stare at the walls of my room, it gives me a chance to hangout with my friend Vanessa who plays drums at this church. I haven't made time to see her for almost 8months now, and now that my life is in order I can. And it's opening new doors to new relationships, I'm thrilled.

Change was painful for me at first, but slowly it's turning into a good thing.
God did promise to turn sorrow into joy, and he's come through. I am in his debt as I always will be.

So I've changed, I've been through the refiner's fire. And I've come back a new person. But you know what it's not because of me, it's because of the one who watches from on high. When all the people around me gave up on me, he stuck with me. And today I'm better for it.

I actually wake up in the morning happy that I'm going to college, that I'm learning. In fact my old nature is fighting to survive. It's being overwhelmed by the new me. It's all different.
I am happy finally, I've found my joy.

God bless you!

In Christ

Tristan D.

Crossing the Line

I have over stepped myself in regards to Eric.
I will get to that later, first however we need a little backstory.

Yes arrogant I am Eric, but only when you're involved. My arrogance does not surface anymore when I speak to others. Anyone who says otherwise needs to think long and hard about the last time I was even remotely sarcastic, sardonic or arrogant with them.

Do you ever stop and wonder why I would be so angry towards you? Have you ever given it any thought?

I apologized to you in person for my behaviour when we first met in MUFY. I know how you felt, because I searched inside myself and saw how suffocating I had become even to myself. I was sincere in my apology. I was eager to make good friends, can you blame me for that? I now know my approach was incorrect. However my reasons were true and noble. I wished only to have good friends.

You scorned my friendship, you could not for the sake of friendship tell me the reason you were so angry towards me. You could not even write it in a note as you are so fond of doing these days. You told me half truths. At first I accepted you half truth, I thought about it, and saw how my actions could be preceived as strange, I was mildly insulted but i thought at least you were being honest. I felt really insulted when I read it in your blog. And then I could not trust you anymore. You lied to me. Have I ever lied to you? Have I ever been dishonest about what I feel? Or who I am? Never.

Christianity preaches forgiveness. So ok you're not a christian, and you feel you don't need to forgive. You were proud that you didn't want to forgive me. Proud of it? How can that be? I asked anyway to be forgiven, and I forgave you. I let that pain go.

All seemed well for a time. Then we moved into this apartment. I was happy at first. I tried getting a place for the both of us. Not because I pitied you. If you think that you insult me more. I thought you were my friend. And this is something friends do for each other. Then enter Syn. We get this apartment for the 3 of us. We move in.

And then you betray my mother. Spreading stuff that you shouldn't moreover you repeat it and change how it was said taking something so out of context, and you cause strife again for me. And this time my family is involved. And on top of that, you're "caring" for "our" other friend caused me strife with that person, whom I care about. Not only do you insult me, but also my family, and our honour.

I spoke to you in person. I was pleasent even though inside I felt so betrayed. I let it go again. Just let it be. I tried patching up the damage you have caused. I was partially successful.

Then came the notes on the door. I realise here I am to be blamed, I didn't do my share in house. You had a right to be angry. In fact I didn't do my share in a lot of things. Most of which didn't concern you. The only thing that actually concerned you was this house. But I was a good sport about it. When I realised what an ass I was being I started doing my bit. But in the meantime, you screwed my name behind my back, I know you had help. But this is about you. Talking about me behind my back. When not once have I ever said anything about you. Not once have I ever revealed any of things you did to me. Obviously I'm the fool, i should have been out there gathering "emotional support". Talking behind another person's back. I've been told by 3 people that this is a common occurence amongst "friends" it's just how people are. I talk about you, you talk about me. If this true, my worst enemy would be a better friend, at least he would talk about me to my face. For he'd enjoy it more than behind my back.

And here comes the straw that broke the camel's back. A simple thing. The volume of a show I was watching. You came and told me it was loud. I said ok and put the sound down. Then at 2 in the morning, I receive that SMS. You insult me! Again! You insult my intelligence, my weight! You post those insulting notes all over your door! You question whether I care about you? All you needed to do was knock on my door and tell me the sound was still to loud. But it makes me think you wanted to hurt my feelings. That you wanted me to be angry. There was a peaceful solution but you took the one that would cause the most hurt. Why? Why did you have to be so spiteful? Do you think yourself so clever? So superior that the feelings of another person no longer mattered? Who is the arrogant one now? I am arrogant towards you, it is to punish you for your own arrogance.

Maybe I'm to self righteous. I find it hard to believe that righteousness is a bad thing. But if it be I would gladly be wrong. Where is the integrity? Where is the honour? I know if I was judged I would be found wanting. That whatever integrity I have or honour is not worth God's spit. Still is it not better to have moral fiber? Are we animals that we can no longer be civil?

I do not presume to preach to you Eric, God know my wrongs. I know my wrongs. But do you know yours? I am held accountable for my actions? Do you believe you aren't?

You hurt me so many times. Each time I took it and forgave you. And asked for forgiveness for my contribution.

After the last one. I forgave you, but I could no longer forget. Because you cannot forgive me. I tried speaking to you. I tried to be civil. And you ignored me. When my mother came you tried to ignore her. You even ignored my friend.

Now I come to the part of over stepping myself.

I should not have flooded your tag with my arrogant ramblings. I was caught up in my pain, revelling in it. My madness consumed me and I said things that I mean and yet do not mean. For that I apologize. I say all the above with calmness and serenity.

If I have made it seem like you alone are to be blamed it is not my intention. I have clearly outlined my part in all this, my part to the best of my knowledge. I am not completely a victim here but neither am I the perpetrator.

Remember this, we are each accountable for our own deeds. I have weighed mine. I have been forgiven, perhaps not by you, but with the one above. You may not believe, but I do.

I have a request and that is; please do not insult my beliefs in Christ.

And finally I'm burying the hatchet.

-End-

In Christ

Tristan D.

Joyous Moments... Melancholic times

It's was Syn's b'day today, a good day for her... She's 20... You wouldn't be able to guess from her stature... But that does not diminish the fact that she is 20. Most awesome.

I hope that it's all good for her... Life should treat her well... And I will twist God's arm in pray to see to it... If he will allow me that is... Good Syn... I will miss many things when I leave this place.

I will miss her... She's helped me more than she knows, I wish I could do for her what she has done for me... She has been one of the many instruments to realise my purpose.

Even he whose name shall not be typed, has helped mould me and has shown me so much...
Though he I won't miss... Still I shall despair for him, but enough. Pettiness is not my way.

To him who cannot care for me, I apologize to you this once, I cannot say that I have ever wronged you in the way that I have others, but still I cause you more bitterness than I care to, so here in this place of words I offer you my single apology, and I give you my forgiveness. This is not arrogance on my part. It's for you to take or dismiss but I shall not speak of this subject again.

Syn I wish you a happy happy B'day.
Take care of yourself, I am always here, always watching, always...

Your eternal friend, and one who has hurt you...
Tristan

In Christ

Tristan D.

The Stupidity of the Tristan

As the title would imply, I am stupid, or at least prone to bouts of stupidity. I am not so much stupid, more often if I just thought before I did something, perhaps the outcomes would be more in my favour.

Recently I posted a note on my fridge, it wasn't addressed to either of my housemates specifically,

I addressed it as, "To Whom It May Concern" which is official and polite with no intended sarcasm. A term used when addressing an unknown party/person in a certain matter, or to use the other word "concern". Now in this context concern doesn't mean "To cause anxiety or uneasiness in" but means " To engage the attention of" or " To have to do with or relate to" i was seeking the attention of the person who the matter pertained to. Amazing how this simple terminology can cause great angst in a household, simply because it was perceived as sarcasm. Perhaps a deeper understanding of the nuances inherent in the English language could reduce the likelihood that such a misunderstanding could occur.

Moving on... the subject to which the person's attention was required was a matter of kitchen cleanliness. Now I stated that a fridge and a table cannot clean themselves. A genuine statement of fact. The day they can, I will be the happiest man alive. But unfortunately they won't.
Now you wonder, "Why doesn't he just clean them himself?" To be childish, I didn't create the mess. So the one who did should in fact clean their mess. I say this because on several previous occasions I had left dishes undone, not because I was lazy to do them, but simply because I thought I would attend to them later. Sometimes I was pleasently surprised to see them cleaned for me. Sometimes I simply forget that I had put them in the sink in the first place. Usually when my mind is elsewhere. I know forgetfulness is perhaps not quite the excuse that one my age should use however I am prone to it. Anyway as I said I had left some dishes on several occasions in the sink. I understand that my housemates wouldn't be happy washing my plates as well as their own. I understand they aren't my maids. I received a note posted on one particular housemate's door telling me that "We do not have a maid, the dishes don't magically wash themselves" Sarcasm!! OH my what should I do! I apologized to the housemate I liked. She accepted it at the time and life went on. I did not contact the newpapers, I felt there were more important things in life than one person's frustration at there being a few unwashed dishes in the sink. In all honesty I tried not to repeat my mistakes, I washed my plates when I used them from then on... I sometimes washed the cups and the plates of my fellow housemates to return the kindness they have shown me.

And finally I had asked the person who had made the mess and whose identity I still did not know at the time to kindly clean the mess that the fridge and table could not accomplish on their own. I signed my name at the bottom of the message. And posted it on the fridge.

In the morning I woke to find a scathing reply posted on the fridge. There was an expletive in the note and it was addressed to all the occupants of the apartment. There are 3 occupants at this current time, myself included. My housemate saw fit to use vulgar language on the me and the other person who lives here. I could not see how I deserved that. I thought it was alright to leave each other notes in the house as on several occasions prior notes had been left for me.

So I was myself in a foul mood after that, I took my handphone and sent this housemate a text message. It was an idiotic thing to do. I was angry, so what I said was not worded well and in parts just wrong.

So here I am to apologize to the person I had wronged. It was not my intention to hurt your feelings but merely to convey my own. I still think that you did not need to resort to foul language and I apologize for the harsh words I put in that message. I was wrong for resorting to profanity.

I am sorry. Also I care for you more than I can put in words, which makes my actions all the more stupid and unwarranted. I hope you'll forgive me.

And on that note I close this subject. Hopefully never to revisit it.

As a side note to the other "occupant" of the apartment. Thanks for the messages in chinese, they are better! I understand you need to vent your frustrations as well and this way you can do it without offending me. Thank you. I know you have my interests at heart for you know that ignorance is truly bliss and seeing as I don't understand a single character, I can remain blissfully ignorant. Thank you for being so understanding. Oh by the way a friend of mine who can read what you wrote said you need to learn to spell "room" apparently it's incorrect... I didn't know that. But then ignorance is bliss.

In Christ

Tristan D.