Life is Good

Indeed, it is good.

Started working out at the gym again, and I can feel the burn. (My Muscles ACHE!!)

It's all good, very good. No more will people see a slob! But a healthy young man, and you know I do it for myself but I also do it for God, cause in being fit my God is glorified. And I hope He blesses my efforts.

Other than this gym thing, not much is happening, got some plans for the hols. Hoping to see kev soon... if he ever gets in touch with me.

I start baking Christmas Cake 2moro. LOL that should be good.

Anyways if you're reading this, bless you.

That's all for today. Maybe more later next week.

In Christ

Tristan D.

Back to Blogging

If you've faithfully checked my blog for updates, I applaud your commitment. I have been very far removed from the world of blogging of late. For many things have transpired over the last 6 weeks and now finally do I find myself with time to actually recount what has transpired.

I've moved out of my former living space and I've set up home in an apartment about a stone's throw away from there. My mum has been absolutely brilliant, she's furnished the place and it's really starting to feel like my home in Ipoh. And soon it will be like my home in Ipoh, once my goofy sister moves in... Haha!

As a show of solidarity my entire Youth Fellowship from Ipoh came down to help me move in. We had a whale of a time, playing twister, risk, playing games on the xbox.

In between all this fun was me frantically studying for my papers.

2 weeks before my math paper. I knew nothing, and the morning of my paper I was able to run circles around the math paper. All glory to God who is with me through all things. And strengthens me. He help me turn my life around. He made my life brand new. He gave me my new apartment. My everything. And I praise His holy name.

And consequently thanks to God and his Holy Spirit and my realisation that I was nothing without my Lord and Saviour.

I was able to persevere through my exams. Through the futility of my thought. Through the depression in my soul. He took away my pain. And He's given me a new life, with new people. A new home. And a return to His great and wonderful purpose.

9 years I stood apart from Him, wayward and lost. Trusting in my own strength and ignoring His call.

He finally broke me, he broke my spirit, he broke me and it hurt. He took from me something I thought I could not live without.

And He showed me, He was all I ever needed. All I ever wanted. His Spirit, is alive in me.
And I praise His Holy, Holy name.

Jehovah Jireh, my provider, Your grace is truly sufficient.

Thank You, I thank You for breaking me, I thank You for washing me pure of my sin and my guilt.

I am the Lord's servant.

So to all who read, I've changed and I glory in the Lord, I pray that His Spirit works in you. As it has in me.

In Christ

Tristan D.

Mistakes

I make mistakes, and I will always make mistakes because I am a mistake. It cannot be said any other way. And these days there aren't many people who would tell me otherwise.

The biggest mistakes of my life, I don't have the courage to write them down for people to read.

May 21st, 2005. I made a mistake and it hurt another life. I messed up another persons life. I turned that person cold. And I did it because I was afraid of commitment. But I kept making the same mistake over and over and over again with this person. Until that person ended our friendship. But when it came to the end, I was not afraid to commit anymore, but I lost that person. I can't live anymore. I'm back to obsession. I'm back in limbo. And it is my fault.

To this person, you know who you are,
My deepest pain, can you not see,
Everyday that I see you, I know how I feel,
I just want to be, accepted by you, can't you see?

This is how I felt.

I've been burning with this pain inside of me. But no longer.
I will change. I will change. I will change.
You will see, I know we can no longer can be,
But greater is he who now dwells in me, The Lord on High my solace shall be,

I've read what you said, in the past, if I could change them, we would never meet,
But know this now, I will love you eternally,

You remember her, Roni, you are now her companion in my heart. Do you know what that means?

You know how I felt for her.

-END-

My life has changed, I live only to serve the maker.
I wish I would've realised that so long ago
But indeed I'm a slow learner. Very slow.

Who am I today? A terrible sinner. But not unforgivable, so there will always be hope.

In Christ

Tristan D.

To One who knows who She is...

How do you turn off your feelings?

How do you go cold?

How can you cease to love someone entirely?

Can you stop loving someone without remorse, without a second thought?

How can you see that person everyday and not feel anything?

How do you exist?

Can you be so cold?

Can anyone be that cold?

I cannot understand you.

I see you and love you and miss you,

I know you and yet now I don’t,

I yearn to touch you, to feel your skin against mine,

I see you and love you and miss you,

I know your scent, I sense you everywhere I am,

I have no escape from you,

I see you and love you and miss you,

I am your friend, but are you mine?

I am here, I am waiting, I am cold without you,

I see you and love you and miss you,

I miss you, and want you, and need you,

I need you, and love you, and I no longer know you,

You aren’t my friend?

You said we still could be,

But we aren’t, we are strangers and yet I know you,

I know the deepest you,

I have held you and brushed your hair from your face,

I have tasted your sweet lips,

I have felt your heart beat,

I have heard you breath,

I have kept you safe in my arms

I have known you, and no longer know you,

And yet I still love you.

Can we not be any other way?

Can we not be friends at least?

Why have you forsaken me?

I see you and love you and miss you,

You, who know who you are, please answer me.

Are you so cold? Do you feel nothing?

In Christ

Tristan D.

Birthdays

Being born is the most significant thing that can happen to you in life, its only equal is death.

We tend neglect how important our birthdays are to us, we tend to just see them as the point in which your age increases numerically by a value of 1.

However in truth, birthdays are more than that, they are a celebration of one's life and point of reference for starting anew. Each birthday is a rite of passage, the stepping stone to an older more mature you. Each birthday you celebrate is an opportunity for you to celebrate the gift of being alive, of drawing breath. It is essentially a celebration of creation.

2 friends of mine have celebrated their birthday recently and a 3rd friend will be celebrating her's on the 6th

Mae Gyin celebrated her's on the 3rd, a Sunday

Mae Gyin is a doll, one that beats me to a pulp with every chance she gets. She's in Australia at the moment but my arm still feels ghost pain from the beatings. At heart Gyin is kind and good soul, we've had our ups and downs, but she will always be my lil sister from another mother. Haha. I'm happy she had a birthday, I'm glad she was born, I met her on her birthday 2 years ago and she was ill, I remember being sorry for her, and that is why we spoke that day, and that is how we became friends. Made a difference to my life.

Charisma celebrated her's on the 4th, a Monday

Charisma, as her name suggest is filled with charisma, filled with life, life is creation, we are creation. It is good to see life in her, to tap some of that life makes all the difference for the people around her. I have found that I feel better around her, her nature makes me feel alive. The first time I met her, she scared me it was 2 years ago. She just walked up to me and asked me whether I could drive and whether I had a car. Yes to the 1st, no to the 2nd. But that sparked a friendship that has lasted 2 years now, it has endured the strain and yet it still remain unbroken. I'm glad to have met her. She has also shaped my life.

Victoria celebrates her birthday on the 6th, a Wednesday

Vicky, one of the clumsiest people I've ever known, provides the rest of us at church with more sporadic entertainment. She's in Russia and I do miss her dearly. We grew together and with every birthday she grows more lovely. It is sad that we do not see each as often as before, but the short time that have together when she returns on holiday is all the more precious because of our separation. She is like family. And we are united in the body of our Saviour.

Your birthdays are important, not just to you but to the people around you.

In Christ

Tristan D.

Rememberance, the who I was a year ago.

I wrote some of my best poetry when I was angry, and at the moment I feel the heat at my neck, and that bitter taste at the back of my throat. I haven't felt like that in a very long time. I haven't felt the anger swell for a long time. I'm savouring it for a moment. Before I let it go. So instead of letting anger wash over me like before I've decided to put back in its place. And so I went through my post archives for a suitable poem. I didn't want the anger to fuel anymore poetry, not a wise thing.

So I found this...

Deep and Directed Unadultrated Hatred

My soul is engulfed in rage,
My blood pulses in my temples,
My anger rise to the surface,
My hatred I embrace,

Joy and sadness,
Apprehension and expectation, at its return fills me,
Too long have we been separated,
The sudden sense of familiarity,

The pain of heartache long buried returns,
The life I lead returns to haunt me,
The mask I've long held falls to pieces,
Stare upon death itself I do,

Now I feel the cold emptiness return,
My life as it is today,
My life as it has been today,
I am alone, my hatred, my only warmth.

That was me a year ago.

To you oh saddened one, joy has sprung forth;
Sadness no longer clouds your day,
The bright sun has pierced its dark vale,
And a spring of joy, your hearts desire to assuage,

To you oh pained one, healed are your wounds;
The place where your heart did break,
With joy, for its own sake,
Through kindness and love a mending did make,

To you oh angered one, peace you have found;
The rage that once burnt in your veins,
A shadow of the past, no more pain,
Once a mighty torrent, no longer remains,

To you oh restless one, slumber you have gained ;
Saddened and pained to the tempest you raged;
Your soul, peace has found,
This is who I am today

In Christ

Tristan D.

Good I think...

I can't decide if I've been having a bad couple of days or a good couple of days... I think mostly good...

Tell me what you think, it begins with a friday,

Friday 5.30pm,

Computer terminates itself, then on restart no display, no windows logon just a blank screen.
I try repairing and find a bent pin. A short circuit has occured and is beyond my expertise.
I'm sad, my assignment is on my hard drive. Due date is wednesday.

Friday 9.00pm

Nothing to do so I head to a CC, play for awhile, spend $$$ and come home to my room, good thing was the mama cat was around and well I got welcomed by her. Always makes me smile.

Saturday 12.30pm

Aunty picks me up so I can take my damaged pc for repair.
We get to hang out, have lunch together and chat. Very nice. Got BK for lunch.
First headed to 1U cause she needed to pick up some stuff. Then to low yat.

Saturday 3.30 pm

STUCK IN A JAM for over an hour, finally we reach low yat.
Carried my heavy pc to the shop, the guy tells me to go upstairs.
There was a moment when I seriously thought of tossing the casing at his smilling face.

Saturday 4.50pm

After depositing my pc and being told it will take 3 weeks to be repaired, my aunt and I depart low yat for home, I have a church function to attend at 7,30pm (or so I thought)

Saturday 6.00pm

I reach my aunt's home, she looks exhausted, she wasn't feeling well, I wish I could have done something about that, I hope that I didn't agrivate her illness with all the running around.
so I think I have an hour and a half to be ready. I relax. And iron my shirt. Relaxing!
at 7pm before heading for a shower I check the dinner ticket. DINNER starts at 7pm zOMG!!!
I run into the shower and have one of the quickest baths of my short life.

Saturday 7.30pm

I'm waiting for my aunt who also has a dinner to attend. She looks fabulous in her outfit. But i can still see how drained she is. Well we hop into the car, I am at the wheel. I get to my dinner at 8.00pm an hour late... This is all my fault.

Saturday 8.00pm

I walk in late and embarrased, they've started eating, I was wondering whether I had miss the message. Thank God I hadn't, but I still felt so malaysian. Anyway the pastor's wife asked me to sit at her table. The evenings conversation was good and after about 5-10mins I got up and had dinner.

Saturday 8.45

The message. It was brilliant. It was for non-christians and I think it touched some lives. BRILLIANT.

Saturday 11.00pm

I got to speak to the guys from Oxford again. Things got better. This time I spoke to Caroline, Bryony and Ben. That was brilliant. Speaking to them brought my spirits up.

Sunday 9.00am

I set out for church nothing much happened.

Sunday 10.30am

Got to church on time. SMACC is just brilliant. Pasror Andrew ROCKs!! LOL.. It's true though. I like him. He really made me feel welcomed. Accepted. Everyone at SMACC did... And I've commited myself to playing bass for them. And helping out in anyway that I can.

Sunday 1pm - 5pm

This sunday I spoke to Caroline a LOT!! She must have been glad to be rid of me by the end of the day. I found out a few things about her. She's Welsh, her degree is in Math and Philosphy(Can't be bothered to check if I spelt that right). Anyway, now Caroline is about 5' 4" and gorgeous and she's doing a degree that scares the pants off me... Seriously! It sounds hard... I think it's hard... and this girl is still sane... God is Good!! Brilliant, absolutely so... I loved speaking to her, joking with her, made my morning that's for sure!!.

Later I spoke to Ben. He's doing history as a degree. Sounds fun... I couldn't do history in school to save my life. So Ben I salute you. And does he have a sense of humour. I loved that brilliant sense of humour. Spoke to Greg for a bit not much though but still I liked him, there was Gordon who I didn't get a chance to speak to except in passing, but he's a brilliant fellow.
Michael, he tall very tall! Makes me look like a midget! He's doing Ancient Languages at Oxford, my dad would have liked him. I sure did!

There was Laura as well, she is the only one not originally from England. She's from Virginia. And I didn't speak to her much but the little bit that I did I enjoyed.

I met more people from the church at lunch, I met a lady and her husband. She's french and he's english :). Their children were brilliant. Elizabeth only 11 years old had the mind of an 18 year old. Gerard I didn't get to speak to much. But has an eye for architecture. And art.

After lunch a bunch of us went to la bodega for "tea" we ended up playing taboo.

Sunday 800pm

After the second service and more chatting we headed to dinner. Sat next to Caroline. I think her ears must have been burning with me jibber jabbering all night :)

She was feeling sad. It was their last night in Malaysia and the didn't want to go back. I didn't want them to leave, in the few hours I had been around them I grew so attached to them like I had known them forever. I was sad

Sunday 9.30pm

Nobody really wanted to go home, I know I didn't want them to go home. So there we were at McD's. I finally got to speak to Bryony, she'd been acting weird all day. Too many cups of coffee apparently, I thought she'd been avoiding me... the pesimist that I am... lol... though I didn't think it was true... :) just me being me. Anyway so I spent the remainder of the night talking to her and Ben and Michael and Sam (their leader) and talking to her and the rest of them just made it so much harder so say Goodbye. Caroline hugged me, so did Ben, in fact he tried to tackle me. Or at least that what it appeared to be at first. Said bye to them all. Bye to Bryony, Michael, Laura, Gordon, Ben, Greg, Caroline and Sam.

Sunday 11.00pm

The sadness sets in. 8 new friends all going back to England. I may never see them again. I'm just glad to have had bit of their time.

I still have all the wonderful people at SMACC, but it's never easy to let go of good people.

I'm gonna miss them all.

Christian Fellowship has its ups and downs

In Christ

Tristan D.

Delusions & Distorted Truths

It's amazing how a human being can delude him/herself so much. The power of suggestion. Mind boggling. Sad to see as well. Like ants, drones slaves to a queen, in this case the queen is the delusion.

We delude ourselves mainly to escape the depravity of our actions. And we delude others, so that they may not see either, the blatant depravity that stands before them. We gravitate to like minded people and in doing so further strengthen our delusions.

We live in a world filled with pain and suffering, a world bereft of honour and integrity, where man has no interest in the good of his fellow man. Where lives are nothing more than pawns to be played with. Where a friend today, is an enemy tomorrow.

This is the world we have made. This our dystopia.

These are the lives we live, where repentance and forgiveness have no place, where regret falls on deaf ears, where hearts are hardened, so hard they can no longer see their undoing.

How does it benefit a man if he gains the world but loses his soul?
I've thought about it a lot.
This world and it's people are not worth the loss of my soul.
The rot in them is so deep, it is a wonder Lucifer has not proclaimed hell on earth.

The rot is in me too. I see it, I want to strike back at those who would hurt me. Uncaringly and unforgivingly. I wish to strike back without regret and without remorse, as savagely and as brutally as I know how. I would slaughter all who opposed me. The violence and capacity to act out is there in my mind and body.

But I won't do it, I have made my choice, and I lie in the bed I have made. I've ended my delusions.

I am in the world, but I am not of the world. So the bible says. It's a good thing that I have something to hold onto, something that will always remain true. Something that will never leave me. That is family, not just flesh and blood family, but christian family.

It is good to be with them, there is no condemnation. And no judgement. No duplicity. Only acceptance. It's sad that I've missed it for so long.

To my non christian friends, those of you who are left. You know who you are. Or at least I know who you are. I am not saying that you don't accept me, or that you judge me. Merely highlighting the fact that acceptance is easily found among other christians :)

My love for christian family has not changed my love for you.

Finally for the many deluded people of the world, I feel pity. You don't know what your missing.
I suppose as I used to say ignorance is blissful, until you fall into a pit. Then you realise you should have been watching where you're going.

In Christ

Tristan D.