Mistakes

I make mistakes, and I will always make mistakes because I am a mistake. It cannot be said any other way. And these days there aren't many people who would tell me otherwise.

The biggest mistakes of my life, I don't have the courage to write them down for people to read.

May 21st, 2005. I made a mistake and it hurt another life. I messed up another persons life. I turned that person cold. And I did it because I was afraid of commitment. But I kept making the same mistake over and over and over again with this person. Until that person ended our friendship. But when it came to the end, I was not afraid to commit anymore, but I lost that person. I can't live anymore. I'm back to obsession. I'm back in limbo. And it is my fault.

To this person, you know who you are,
My deepest pain, can you not see,
Everyday that I see you, I know how I feel,
I just want to be, accepted by you, can't you see?

This is how I felt.

I've been burning with this pain inside of me. But no longer.
I will change. I will change. I will change.
You will see, I know we can no longer can be,
But greater is he who now dwells in me, The Lord on High my solace shall be,

I've read what you said, in the past, if I could change them, we would never meet,
But know this now, I will love you eternally,

You remember her, Roni, you are now her companion in my heart. Do you know what that means?

You know how I felt for her.

-END-

My life has changed, I live only to serve the maker.
I wish I would've realised that so long ago
But indeed I'm a slow learner. Very slow.

Who am I today? A terrible sinner. But not unforgivable, so there will always be hope.

In Christ

Tristan D.

To One who knows who She is...

How do you turn off your feelings?

How do you go cold?

How can you cease to love someone entirely?

Can you stop loving someone without remorse, without a second thought?

How can you see that person everyday and not feel anything?

How do you exist?

Can you be so cold?

Can anyone be that cold?

I cannot understand you.

I see you and love you and miss you,

I know you and yet now I don’t,

I yearn to touch you, to feel your skin against mine,

I see you and love you and miss you,

I know your scent, I sense you everywhere I am,

I have no escape from you,

I see you and love you and miss you,

I am your friend, but are you mine?

I am here, I am waiting, I am cold without you,

I see you and love you and miss you,

I miss you, and want you, and need you,

I need you, and love you, and I no longer know you,

You aren’t my friend?

You said we still could be,

But we aren’t, we are strangers and yet I know you,

I know the deepest you,

I have held you and brushed your hair from your face,

I have tasted your sweet lips,

I have felt your heart beat,

I have heard you breath,

I have kept you safe in my arms

I have known you, and no longer know you,

And yet I still love you.

Can we not be any other way?

Can we not be friends at least?

Why have you forsaken me?

I see you and love you and miss you,

You, who know who you are, please answer me.

Are you so cold? Do you feel nothing?

In Christ

Tristan D.

Birthdays

Being born is the most significant thing that can happen to you in life, its only equal is death.

We tend neglect how important our birthdays are to us, we tend to just see them as the point in which your age increases numerically by a value of 1.

However in truth, birthdays are more than that, they are a celebration of one's life and point of reference for starting anew. Each birthday is a rite of passage, the stepping stone to an older more mature you. Each birthday you celebrate is an opportunity for you to celebrate the gift of being alive, of drawing breath. It is essentially a celebration of creation.

2 friends of mine have celebrated their birthday recently and a 3rd friend will be celebrating her's on the 6th

Mae Gyin celebrated her's on the 3rd, a Sunday

Mae Gyin is a doll, one that beats me to a pulp with every chance she gets. She's in Australia at the moment but my arm still feels ghost pain from the beatings. At heart Gyin is kind and good soul, we've had our ups and downs, but she will always be my lil sister from another mother. Haha. I'm happy she had a birthday, I'm glad she was born, I met her on her birthday 2 years ago and she was ill, I remember being sorry for her, and that is why we spoke that day, and that is how we became friends. Made a difference to my life.

Charisma celebrated her's on the 4th, a Monday

Charisma, as her name suggest is filled with charisma, filled with life, life is creation, we are creation. It is good to see life in her, to tap some of that life makes all the difference for the people around her. I have found that I feel better around her, her nature makes me feel alive. The first time I met her, she scared me it was 2 years ago. She just walked up to me and asked me whether I could drive and whether I had a car. Yes to the 1st, no to the 2nd. But that sparked a friendship that has lasted 2 years now, it has endured the strain and yet it still remain unbroken. I'm glad to have met her. She has also shaped my life.

Victoria celebrates her birthday on the 6th, a Wednesday

Vicky, one of the clumsiest people I've ever known, provides the rest of us at church with more sporadic entertainment. She's in Russia and I do miss her dearly. We grew together and with every birthday she grows more lovely. It is sad that we do not see each as often as before, but the short time that have together when she returns on holiday is all the more precious because of our separation. She is like family. And we are united in the body of our Saviour.

Your birthdays are important, not just to you but to the people around you.

In Christ

Tristan D.