The Inner Workings of a Pragmatic Mind

Life is Good

2006-11-17T14:24:00.000+08:00

Indeed, it is good.

Started working out at the gym again, and I can feel the burn. (My Muscles ACHE!!)

It's all good, very good. No more will people see a slob! But a healthy young man, and you know I do it for myself but I also do it for God, cause in being fit my God is glorified. And I hope He blesses my efforts.

Other than this gym thing, not much is happening, got some plans for the hols. Hoping to see kev soon... if he ever gets in touch with me.

I start baking Christmas Cake 2moro. LOL that should be good.

Anyways if you're reading this, bless you.

That's all for today. Maybe more later next week.

Back to Blogging

2006-11-09T18:59:00.000+08:00

If you've faithfully checked my blog for updates, I applaud your commitment. I have been very far removed from the world of blogging of late. For many things have transpired over the last 6 weeks and now finally do I find myself with time to actually recount what has transpired.

I've moved out of my former living space and I've set up home in an apartment about a stone's throw away from there. My mum has been absolutely brilliant, she's furnished the place and it's really starting to feel like my home in Ipoh. And soon it will be like my home in Ipoh, once my goofy sister moves in... Haha!

As a show of solidarity my entire Youth Fellowship from Ipoh came down to help me move in. We had a whale of a time, playing twister, risk, playing games on the xbox.

In between all this fun was me frantically studying for my papers.

2 weeks before my math paper. I knew nothing, and the morning of my paper I was able to run circles around the math paper. All glory to God who is with me through all things. And strengthens me. He help me turn my life around. He made my life brand new. He gave me my new apartment. My everything. And I praise His holy name.

And consequently thanks to God and his Holy Spirit and my realisation that I was nothing without my Lord and Saviour.

I was able to persevere through my exams. Through the futility of my thought. Through the depression in my soul. He took away my pain. And He's given me a new life, with new people. A new home. And a return to His great and wonderful purpose.

9 years I stood apart from Him, wayward and lost. Trusting in my own strength and ignoring His call.

He finally broke me, he broke my spirit, he broke me and it hurt. He took from me something I thought I could not live without.

And He showed me, He was all I ever needed. All I ever wanted. His Spirit, is alive in me.
And I praise His Holy, Holy name.

Jehovah Jireh, my provider, Your grace is truly sufficient.

Thank You, I thank You for breaking me, I thank You for washing me pure of my sin and my guilt.

I am the Lord's servant.

So to all who read, I've changed and I glory in the Lord, I pray that His Spirit works in you. As it has in me.

Mistakes

2006-09-14T01:30:00.000+08:00

I make mistakes, and I will always make mistakes because I am a mistake. It cannot be said any other way. And these days there aren't many people who would tell me otherwise.

The biggest mistakes of my life, I don't have the courage to write them down for people to read.

May 21st, 2005. I made a mistake and it hurt another life. I messed up another persons life. I turned that person cold. And I did it because I was afraid of commitment. But I kept making the same mistake over and over and over again with this person. Until that person ended our friendship. But when it came to the end, I was not afraid to commit anymore, but I lost that person. I can't live anymore. I'm back to obsession. I'm back in limbo. And it is my fault.

To this person, you know who you are,
My deepest pain, can you not see,
Everyday that I see you, I know how I feel,
I just want to be, accepted by you, can't you see?

This is how I felt.

I've been burning with this pain inside of me. But no longer.
I will change. I will change. I will change.
You will see, I know we can no longer can be,
But greater is he who now dwells in me, The Lord on High my solace shall be,

I've read what you said, in the past, if I could change them, we would never meet,
But know this now, I will love you eternally,

You remember her, Roni, you are now her companion in my heart. Do you know what that means?

You know how I felt for her.

-END-

My life has changed, I live only to serve the maker.
I wish I would've realised that so long ago
But indeed I'm a slow learner. Very slow.

Who am I today? A terrible sinner. But not unforgivable, so there will always be hope.

To One who knows who She is...

2006-09-07T01:08:00.000+08:00

How do you turn off your feelings?

How do you go cold?

How can you cease to love someone entirely?

Can you stop loving someone without remorse, without a second thought?

How can you see that person everyday and not feel anything?

How do you exist?

Can you be so cold?

Can anyone be that cold?

I cannot understand you.

I see you and love you and miss you,

I know you and yet now I don’t,

I yearn to touch you, to feel your skin against mine,

I see you and love you and miss you,

I know your scent, I sense you everywhere I am,

I have no escape from you,

I see you and love you and miss you,

I am your friend, but are you mine?

I am here, I am waiting, I am cold without you,

I see you and love you and miss you,

I miss you, and want you, and need you,

I need you, and love you, and I no longer know you,

You aren’t my friend?

You said we still could be,

But we aren’t, we are strangers and yet I know you,

I know the deepest you,

I have held you and brushed your hair from your face,

I have tasted your sweet lips,

I have felt your heart beat,

I have heard you breath,

I have kept you safe in my arms

I have known you, and no longer know you,

And yet I still love you.

Can we not be any other way?

Can we not be friends at least?

Why have you forsaken me?

I see you and love you and miss you,

You, who know who you are, please answer me.

Are you so cold? Do you feel nothing?

Birthdays

2006-09-05T22:46:00.000+08:00

Being born is the most significant thing that can happen to you in life, its only equal is death.

We tend neglect how important our birthdays are to us, we tend to just see them as the point in which your age increases numerically by a value of 1.

However in truth, birthdays are more than that, they are a celebration of one's life and point of reference for starting anew. Each birthday is a rite of passage, the stepping stone to an older more mature you. Each birthday you celebrate is an opportunity for you to celebrate the gift of being alive, of drawing breath. It is essentially a celebration of creation.

2 friends of mine have celebrated their birthday recently and a 3rd friend will be celebrating her's on the 6th

Mae Gyin celebrated her's on the 3rd, a Sunday

Mae Gyin is a doll, one that beats me to a pulp with every chance she gets. She's in Australia at the moment but my arm still feels ghost pain from the beatings. At heart Gyin is kind and good soul, we've had our ups and downs, but she will always be my lil sister from another mother. Haha. I'm happy she had a birthday, I'm glad she was born, I met her on her birthday 2 years ago and she was ill, I remember being sorry for her, and that is why we spoke that day, and that is how we became friends. Made a difference to my life.

Charisma celebrated her's on the 4th, a Monday

Charisma, as her name suggest is filled with charisma, filled with life, life is creation, we are creation. It is good to see life in her, to tap some of that life makes all the difference for the people around her. I have found that I feel better around her, her nature makes me feel alive. The first time I met her, she scared me it was 2 years ago. She just walked up to me and asked me whether I could drive and whether I had a car. Yes to the 1st, no to the 2nd. But that sparked a friendship that has lasted 2 years now, it has endured the strain and yet it still remain unbroken. I'm glad to have met her. She has also shaped my life.

Victoria celebrates her birthday on the 6th, a Wednesday

Vicky, one of the clumsiest people I've ever known, provides the rest of us at church with more sporadic entertainment. She's in Russia and I do miss her dearly. We grew together and with every birthday she grows more lovely. It is sad that we do not see each as often as before, but the short time that have together when she returns on holiday is all the more precious because of our separation. She is like family. And we are united in the body of our Saviour.

Your birthdays are important, not just to you but to the people around you.

Rememberance, the who I was a year ago.

2006-08-29T21:51:00.000+08:00

I wrote some of my best poetry when I was angry, and at the moment I feel the heat at my neck, and that bitter taste at the back of my throat. I haven't felt like that in a very long time. I haven't felt the anger swell for a long time. I'm savouring it for a moment. Before I let it go. So instead of letting anger wash over me like before I've decided to put back in its place. And so I went through my post archives for a suitable poem. I didn't want the anger to fuel anymore poetry, not a wise thing.

So I found this...

Deep and Directed Unadultrated Hatred

My soul is engulfed in rage,
My blood pulses in my temples,
My anger rise to the surface,
My hatred I embrace,

Joy and sadness,
Apprehension and expectation, at its return fills me,
Too long have we been separated,
The sudden sense of familiarity,

The pain of heartache long buried returns,
The life I lead returns to haunt me,
The mask I've long held falls to pieces,
Stare upon death itself I do,

Now I feel the cold emptiness return,
My life as it is today,
My life as it has been today,
I am alone, my hatred, my only warmth.

That was me a year ago.

To you oh saddened one, joy has sprung forth;
Sadness no longer clouds your day,
The bright sun has pierced its dark vale,
And a spring of joy, your hearts desire to assuage,

To you oh pained one, healed are your wounds;
The place where your heart did break,
With joy, for its own sake,
Through kindness and love a mending did make,

To you oh angered one, peace you have found;
The rage that once burnt in your veins,
A shadow of the past, no more pain,
Once a mighty torrent, no longer remains,

To you oh restless one, slumber you have gained ;
Saddened and pained to the tempest you raged;
Your soul, peace has found,
This is who I am today

Good I think...

2006-08-29T19:02:00.000+08:00

I can't decide if I've been having a bad couple of days or a good couple of days... I think mostly good...

Tell me what you think, it begins with a friday,

Friday 5.30pm,

Computer terminates itself, then on restart no display, no windows logon just a blank screen.
I try repairing and find a bent pin. A short circuit has occured and is beyond my expertise.
I'm sad, my assignment is on my hard drive. Due date is wednesday.

Friday 9.00pm

Nothing to do so I head to a CC, play for awhile, spend $$$ and come home to my room, good thing was the mama cat was around and well I got welcomed by her. Always makes me smile.

Saturday 12.30pm

Aunty picks me up so I can take my damaged pc for repair.
We get to hang out, have lunch together and chat. Very nice. Got BK for lunch.
First headed to 1U cause she needed to pick up some stuff. Then to low yat.

Saturday 3.30 pm

STUCK IN A JAM for over an hour, finally we reach low yat.
Carried my heavy pc to the shop, the guy tells me to go upstairs.
There was a moment when I seriously thought of tossing the casing at his smilling face.

Saturday 4.50pm

After depositing my pc and being told it will take 3 weeks to be repaired, my aunt and I depart low yat for home, I have a church function to attend at 7,30pm (or so I thought)

Saturday 6.00pm

I reach my aunt's home, she looks exhausted, she wasn't feeling well, I wish I could have done something about that, I hope that I didn't agrivate her illness with all the running around.
so I think I have an hour and a half to be ready. I relax. And iron my shirt. Relaxing!
at 7pm before heading for a shower I check the dinner ticket. DINNER starts at 7pm zOMG!!!
I run into the shower and have one of the quickest baths of my short life.

Saturday 7.30pm

I'm waiting for my aunt who also has a dinner to attend. She looks fabulous in her outfit. But i can still see how drained she is. Well we hop into the car, I am at the wheel. I get to my dinner at 8.00pm an hour late... This is all my fault.

Saturday 8.00pm

I walk in late and embarrased, they've started eating, I was wondering whether I had miss the message. Thank God I hadn't, but I still felt so malaysian. Anyway the pastor's wife asked me to sit at her table. The evenings conversation was good and after about 5-10mins I got up and had dinner.

Saturday 8.45

The message. It was brilliant. It was for non-christians and I think it touched some lives. BRILLIANT.

Saturday 11.00pm

I got to speak to the guys from Oxford again. Things got better. This time I spoke to Caroline, Bryony and Ben. That was brilliant. Speaking to them brought my spirits up.

Sunday 9.00am

I set out for church nothing much happened.

Sunday 10.30am

Got to church on time. SMACC is just brilliant. Pasror Andrew ROCKs!! LOL.. It's true though. I like him. He really made me feel welcomed. Accepted. Everyone at SMACC did... And I've commited myself to playing bass for them. And helping out in anyway that I can.

Sunday 1pm - 5pm

This sunday I spoke to Caroline a LOT!! She must have been glad to be rid of me by the end of the day. I found out a few things about her. She's Welsh, her degree is in Math and Philosphy(Can't be bothered to check if I spelt that right). Anyway, now Caroline is about 5' 4" and gorgeous and she's doing a degree that scares the pants off me... Seriously! It sounds hard... I think it's hard... and this girl is still sane... God is Good!! Brilliant, absolutely so... I loved speaking to her, joking with her, made my morning that's for sure!!.

Later I spoke to Ben. He's doing history as a degree. Sounds fun... I couldn't do history in school to save my life. So Ben I salute you. And does he have a sense of humour. I loved that brilliant sense of humour. Spoke to Greg for a bit not much though but still I liked him, there was Gordon who I didn't get a chance to speak to except in passing, but he's a brilliant fellow.
Michael, he tall very tall! Makes me look like a midget! He's doing Ancient Languages at Oxford, my dad would have liked him. I sure did!

There was Laura as well, she is the only one not originally from England. She's from Virginia. And I didn't speak to her much but the little bit that I did I enjoyed.

I met more people from the church at lunch, I met a lady and her husband. She's french and he's english :). Their children were brilliant. Elizabeth only 11 years old had the mind of an 18 year old. Gerard I didn't get to speak to much. But has an eye for architecture. And art.

After lunch a bunch of us went to la bodega for "tea" we ended up playing taboo.

Sunday 800pm

After the second service and more chatting we headed to dinner. Sat next to Caroline. I think her ears must have been burning with me jibber jabbering all night :)

She was feeling sad. It was their last night in Malaysia and the didn't want to go back. I didn't want them to leave, in the few hours I had been around them I grew so attached to them like I had known them forever. I was sad

Sunday 9.30pm

Nobody really wanted to go home, I know I didn't want them to go home. So there we were at McD's. I finally got to speak to Bryony, she'd been acting weird all day. Too many cups of coffee apparently, I thought she'd been avoiding me... the pesimist that I am... lol... though I didn't think it was true... :) just me being me. Anyway so I spent the remainder of the night talking to her and Ben and Michael and Sam (their leader) and talking to her and the rest of them just made it so much harder so say Goodbye. Caroline hugged me, so did Ben, in fact he tried to tackle me. Or at least that what it appeared to be at first. Said bye to them all. Bye to Bryony, Michael, Laura, Gordon, Ben, Greg, Caroline and Sam.

Sunday 11.00pm

The sadness sets in. 8 new friends all going back to England. I may never see them again. I'm just glad to have had bit of their time.

I still have all the wonderful people at SMACC, but it's never easy to let go of good people.

I'm gonna miss them all.

Christian Fellowship has its ups and downs

Delusions & Distorted Truths

2006-08-23T03:07:00.000+08:00

It's amazing how a human being can delude him/herself so much. The power of suggestion. Mind boggling. Sad to see as well. Like ants, drones slaves to a queen, in this case the queen is the delusion.

We delude ourselves mainly to escape the depravity of our actions. And we delude others, so that they may not see either, the blatant depravity that stands before them. We gravitate to like minded people and in doing so further strengthen our delusions.

We live in a world filled with pain and suffering, a world bereft of honour and integrity, where man has no interest in the good of his fellow man. Where lives are nothing more than pawns to be played with. Where a friend today, is an enemy tomorrow.

This is the world we have made. This our dystopia.

These are the lives we live, where repentance and forgiveness have no place, where regret falls on deaf ears, where hearts are hardened, so hard they can no longer see their undoing.

How does it benefit a man if he gains the world but loses his soul?
I've thought about it a lot.
This world and it's people are not worth the loss of my soul.
The rot in them is so deep, it is a wonder Lucifer has not proclaimed hell on earth.

The rot is in me too. I see it, I want to strike back at those who would hurt me. Uncaringly and unforgivingly. I wish to strike back without regret and without remorse, as savagely and as brutally as I know how. I would slaughter all who opposed me. The violence and capacity to act out is there in my mind and body.

But I won't do it, I have made my choice, and I lie in the bed I have made. I've ended my delusions.

I am in the world, but I am not of the world. So the bible says. It's a good thing that I have something to hold onto, something that will always remain true. Something that will never leave me. That is family, not just flesh and blood family, but christian family.

It is good to be with them, there is no condemnation. And no judgement. No duplicity. Only acceptance. It's sad that I've missed it for so long.

To my non christian friends, those of you who are left. You know who you are. Or at least I know who you are. I am not saying that you don't accept me, or that you judge me. Merely highlighting the fact that acceptance is easily found among other christians :)

My love for christian family has not changed my love for you.

Finally for the many deluded people of the world, I feel pity. You don't know what your missing.
I suppose as I used to say ignorance is blissful, until you fall into a pit. Then you realise you should have been watching where you're going.

Change

2006-08-14T18:18:00.000+08:00

Some say change is good, others loath it. They loath it because they can no longer control what happens around them. And as luck would have it, things recently changed for me. At first I was trying so hard to oppose it. I didn't want to let go of the old me, the one I had become so attached to. I was afraid because I thought I no longer knew any other way to live.

In that life I had a vice. And that vice was so alluring, so tempting, I convinced myself that I loved my vice. I wanted my vice everyday. All the time. But today I look back and see what a terrible thing that vice was, ensnaring me into a world where God had no place. A world of mistrust, and treachery.

In that life I forgot what it was to be a christian.
It's not the fault of the vice.
It's a fault of my own device.

And now things have changed,

The most exciting thing that happened to me this weekend was going to church.

A few months ago I would have seen it as pathetic. But not anymore. I'm thrilled that the most exciting thing that happened to me was church. It's a return to priority and first love. I was happy again, I am happy again. I haven't felt this much joy in months. Real joy. I haven't felt so at ease with who I am then I do now. It's been so long since new people have made me feel welcomed. They were genuinely happy to have me there. And all they did was talk to me. They made me feel like I belonged. I've forgotten what other christians are like.

You're probably wondering "What about the church you attend in Ipoh?" I've known everyone in that church since I was in diapers, it's a different thing all together. It's like how you know your parents love you, so you're always looking for it outside of your home, cause you expect your parents to love you. At least that's how it is for me.

It was just awesome to be so welcomed.
No one judging you, just accepting you the way you are.
Brilliant!

There was a girl there, from the UK, and you know what talking to her was brilliant. I haven't had a chat like that in ages. It's been so long since I've sat down and actually spoken to another human being apart from my family for more than 5 minutes, and a girl too. She was really nice, studying at Oxford University, absolutely brilliant. We talked for about an hour and a half. That was the third most exciting thing about my weekend.

I kinda skipped the second I know, if only to be dramatic, it is my blog after all, and if I say second comes after third then so it shall be. I digress, so now they've asked me to play bass guitar for them on sunday's at their service. This is an exciting thing cause well it gives me something to do on the weekends I'm in KL rather than stare at the walls of my room, it gives me a chance to hangout with my friend Vanessa who plays drums at this church. I haven't made time to see her for almost 8months now, and now that my life is in order I can. And it's opening new doors to new relationships, I'm thrilled.

Change was painful for me at first, but slowly it's turning into a good thing.
God did promise to turn sorrow into joy, and he's come through. I am in his debt as I always will be.

So I've changed, I've been through the refiner's fire. And I've come back a new person. But you know what it's not because of me, it's because of the one who watches from on high. When all the people around me gave up on me, he stuck with me. And today I'm better for it.

I actually wake up in the morning happy that I'm going to college, that I'm learning. In fact my old nature is fighting to survive. It's being overwhelmed by the new me. It's all different.
I am happy finally, I've found my joy.

God bless you!

Crossing the Line

2006-08-10T18:13:00.000+08:00

I have over stepped myself in regards to Eric.
I will get to that later, first however we need a little backstory.

Yes arrogant I am Eric, but only when you're involved. My arrogance does not surface anymore when I speak to others. Anyone who says otherwise needs to think long and hard about the last time I was even remotely sarcastic, sardonic or arrogant with them.

Do you ever stop and wonder why I would be so angry towards you? Have you ever given it any thought?

I apologized to you in person for my behaviour when we first met in MUFY. I know how you felt, because I searched inside myself and saw how suffocating I had become even to myself. I was sincere in my apology. I was eager to make good friends, can you blame me for that? I now know my approach was incorrect. However my reasons were true and noble. I wished only to have good friends.

You scorned my friendship, you could not for the sake of friendship tell me the reason you were so angry towards me. You could not even write it in a note as you are so fond of doing these days. You told me half truths. At first I accepted you half truth, I thought about it, and saw how my actions could be preceived as strange, I was mildly insulted but i thought at least you were being honest. I felt really insulted when I read it in your blog. And then I could not trust you anymore. You lied to me. Have I ever lied to you? Have I ever been dishonest about what I feel? Or who I am? Never.

Christianity preaches forgiveness. So ok you're not a christian, and you feel you don't need to forgive. You were proud that you didn't want to forgive me. Proud of it? How can that be? I asked anyway to be forgiven, and I forgave you. I let that pain go.

All seemed well for a time. Then we moved into this apartment. I was happy at first. I tried getting a place for the both of us. Not because I pitied you. If you think that you insult me more. I thought you were my friend. And this is something friends do for each other. Then enter Syn. We get this apartment for the 3 of us. We move in.

And then you betray my mother. Spreading stuff that you shouldn't moreover you repeat it and change how it was said taking something so out of context, and you cause strife again for me. And this time my family is involved. And on top of that, you're "caring" for "our" other friend caused me strife with that person, whom I care about. Not only do you insult me, but also my family, and our honour.

I spoke to you in person. I was pleasent even though inside I felt so betrayed. I let it go again. Just let it be. I tried patching up the damage you have caused. I was partially successful.

Then came the notes on the door. I realise here I am to be blamed, I didn't do my share in house. You had a right to be angry. In fact I didn't do my share in a lot of things. Most of which didn't concern you. The only thing that actually concerned you was this house. But I was a good sport about it. When I realised what an ass I was being I started doing my bit. But in the meantime, you screwed my name behind my back, I know you had help. But this is about you. Talking about me behind my back. When not once have I ever said anything about you. Not once have I ever revealed any of things you did to me. Obviously I'm the fool, i should have been out there gathering "emotional support". Talking behind another person's back. I've been told by 3 people that this is a common occurence amongst "friends" it's just how people are. I talk about you, you talk about me. If this true, my worst enemy would be a better friend, at least he would talk about me to my face. For he'd enjoy it more than behind my back.

And here comes the straw that broke the camel's back. A simple thing. The volume of a show I was watching. You came and told me it was loud. I said ok and put the sound down. Then at 2 in the morning, I receive that SMS. You insult me! Again! You insult my intelligence, my weight! You post those insulting notes all over your door! You question whether I care about you? All you needed to do was knock on my door and tell me the sound was still to loud. But it makes me think you wanted to hurt my feelings. That you wanted me to be angry. There was a peaceful solution but you took the one that would cause the most hurt. Why? Why did you have to be so spiteful? Do you think yourself so clever? So superior that the feelings of another person no longer mattered? Who is the arrogant one now? I am arrogant towards you, it is to punish you for your own arrogance.

Maybe I'm to self righteous. I find it hard to believe that righteousness is a bad thing. But if it be I would gladly be wrong. Where is the integrity? Where is the honour? I know if I was judged I would be found wanting. That whatever integrity I have or honour is not worth God's spit. Still is it not better to have moral fiber? Are we animals that we can no longer be civil?

I do not presume to preach to you Eric, God know my wrongs. I know my wrongs. But do you know yours? I am held accountable for my actions? Do you believe you aren't?

You hurt me so many times. Each time I took it and forgave you. And asked for forgiveness for my contribution.

After the last one. I forgave you, but I could no longer forget. Because you cannot forgive me. I tried speaking to you. I tried to be civil. And you ignored me. When my mother came you tried to ignore her. You even ignored my friend.

Now I come to the part of over stepping myself.

I should not have flooded your tag with my arrogant ramblings. I was caught up in my pain, revelling in it. My madness consumed me and I said things that I mean and yet do not mean. For that I apologize. I say all the above with calmness and serenity.

If I have made it seem like you alone are to be blamed it is not my intention. I have clearly outlined my part in all this, my part to the best of my knowledge. I am not completely a victim here but neither am I the perpetrator.

Remember this, we are each accountable for our own deeds. I have weighed mine. I have been forgiven, perhaps not by you, but with the one above. You may not believe, but I do.

I have a request and that is; please do not insult my beliefs in Christ.

And finally I'm burying the hatchet.

-End-

Joyous Moments... Melancholic times

2006-08-08T20:02:00.000+08:00

It's was Syn's b'day today, a good day for her... She's 20... You wouldn't be able to guess from her stature... But that does not diminish the fact that she is 20. Most awesome.

I hope that it's all good for her... Life should treat her well... And I will twist God's arm in pray to see to it... If he will allow me that is... Good Syn... I will miss many things when I leave this place.

I will miss her... She's helped me more than she knows, I wish I could do for her what she has done for me... She has been one of the many instruments to realise my purpose.

Even he whose name shall not be typed, has helped mould me and has shown me so much...
Though he I won't miss... Still I shall despair for him, but enough. Pettiness is not my way.

To him who cannot care for me, I apologize to you this once, I cannot say that I have ever wronged you in the way that I have others, but still I cause you more bitterness than I care to, so here in this place of words I offer you my single apology, and I give you my forgiveness. This is not arrogance on my part. It's for you to take or dismiss but I shall not speak of this subject again.

Syn I wish you a happy happy B'day.
Take care of yourself, I am always here, always watching, always...

Your eternal friend, and one who has hurt you...
Tristan

The Stupidity of the Tristan

2006-08-07T15:40:00.000+08:00

As the title would imply, I am stupid, or at least prone to bouts of stupidity. I am not so much stupid, more often if I just thought before I did something, perhaps the outcomes would be more in my favour.

Recently I posted a note on my fridge, it wasn't addressed to either of my housemates specifically,

I addressed it as, "To Whom It May Concern" which is official and polite with no intended sarcasm. A term used when addressing an unknown party/person in a certain matter, or to use the other word "concern". Now in this context concern doesn't mean "To cause anxiety or uneasiness in" but means " To engage the attention of" or " To have to do with or relate to" i was seeking the attention of the person who the matter pertained to. Amazing how this simple terminology can cause great angst in a household, simply because it was perceived as sarcasm. Perhaps a deeper understanding of the nuances inherent in the English language could reduce the likelihood that such a misunderstanding could occur.

Moving on... the subject to which the person's attention was required was a matter of kitchen cleanliness. Now I stated that a fridge and a table cannot clean themselves. A genuine statement of fact. The day they can, I will be the happiest man alive. But unfortunately they won't.
Now you wonder, "Why doesn't he just clean them himself?" To be childish, I didn't create the mess. So the one who did should in fact clean their mess. I say this because on several previous occasions I had left dishes undone, not because I was lazy to do them, but simply because I thought I would attend to them later. Sometimes I was pleasently surprised to see them cleaned for me. Sometimes I simply forget that I had put them in the sink in the first place. Usually when my mind is elsewhere. I know forgetfulness is perhaps not quite the excuse that one my age should use however I am prone to it. Anyway as I said I had left some dishes on several occasions in the sink. I understand that my housemates wouldn't be happy washing my plates as well as their own. I understand they aren't my maids. I received a note posted on one particular housemate's door telling me that "We do not have a maid, the dishes don't magically wash themselves" Sarcasm!! OH my what should I do! I apologized to the housemate I liked. She accepted it at the time and life went on. I did not contact the newpapers, I felt there were more important things in life than one person's frustration at there being a few unwashed dishes in the sink. In all honesty I tried not to repeat my mistakes, I washed my plates when I used them from then on... I sometimes washed the cups and the plates of my fellow housemates to return the kindness they have shown me.

And finally I had asked the person who had made the mess and whose identity I still did not know at the time to kindly clean the mess that the fridge and table could not accomplish on their own. I signed my name at the bottom of the message. And posted it on the fridge.

In the morning I woke to find a scathing reply posted on the fridge. There was an expletive in the note and it was addressed to all the occupants of the apartment. There are 3 occupants at this current time, myself included. My housemate saw fit to use vulgar language on the me and the other person who lives here. I could not see how I deserved that. I thought it was alright to leave each other notes in the house as on several occasions prior notes had been left for me.

So I was myself in a foul mood after that, I took my handphone and sent this housemate a text message. It was an idiotic thing to do. I was angry, so what I said was not worded well and in parts just wrong.

So here I am to apologize to the person I had wronged. It was not my intention to hurt your feelings but merely to convey my own. I still think that you did not need to resort to foul language and I apologize for the harsh words I put in that message. I was wrong for resorting to profanity.

I am sorry. Also I care for you more than I can put in words, which makes my actions all the more stupid and unwarranted. I hope you'll forgive me.

And on that note I close this subject. Hopefully never to revisit it.

As a side note to the other "occupant" of the apartment. Thanks for the messages in chinese, they are better! I understand you need to vent your frustrations as well and this way you can do it without offending me. Thank you. I know you have my interests at heart for you know that ignorance is truly bliss and seeing as I don't understand a single character, I can remain blissfully ignorant. Thank you for being so understanding. Oh by the way a friend of mine who can read what you wrote said you need to learn to spell "room" apparently it's incorrect... I didn't know that. But then ignorance is bliss.

To a friend...

2006-06-28T14:08:00.000+08:00

I haven't read my bible today... I've been putting it off... Things came up... EXCUSES...

Basically I woke up... had b'fast and started baking. Oh yeah I bake... lol... Made the fruit loaf, Had it for b'fast. Also I helped my mum make some apple tarts. And a ginger cake, all yummy stuff. After this post I'm going straight to the bible in the front hall.

This post is to a friend of mine... He's been going through a lot lately... but you know what? He's made me Very VERY!! Proud! What he's been going through is his business... not for me to divulge on the internet as some people so often do. People, who have no say in the matter, however choose to fuel the fire. However my post is not about them but my friend.

He's taken the high road; he's found freedom in the power of forgiveness. This is the turning point in his life. It brightens my heart that he would let me be apart of it. He's learning to shed his old nature and take on a new one. This event has become the foundation for him to weather the storms that life will throw at him.

And you know... what happened to him has helped me too... I've learnt what matters most to me through what has happened to him. I've learnt things. They're personal. They can't be explained in words, words don't have the power required to say what I've learnt.

Thank you, my friend.

Title: My February Friend.

In the month of February,
Where soon winter’s night gives into spring’s day,
Where melting snow is the precursor of budding flowers,
Where we celebrate the goodness of St. Valentine’s Day,

A child was born,
He grew up like many men forlorn,
Sad and alone,
Forgotten by those he’s known,

Now this boy I speak of, a better friend I could not ask for,
A path he’s paved, for his own sake,
Forgave, been forgiven, for salvation, the high road he’s taken,
I, a prouder friend could not be, to be his acquaintance,

Tristan – Out!

Tempted

2006-06-26T10:54:00.000+08:00

I woke up this morning feeling tempted to slip into my old nature... To slip to the old me... other parts of the old me...

I don't want to be that person... So I'm trying to keep my mind focus on the good things in my life... Problem is some good things eventually lead to well... uhm... not so good things... lets just leave it at that. Lord help me.

Anyway, I'm blogging to get it out of my system... I don't want to dwell on it, I want to be free of it...

So not much happened over the weekend... Saturday was the usual, @ church from 4-7pm, sunday up early for more church (I GOT TO PLAY the BASS GUITAR) 3rd time this month... oh yeah...

But I miss the old bass I used to play in KL... it had more boom... haha...

Still church was ok... Our priest mumbled through the sermon... not cool... not cool at all...

In other news there was a party saturday night and well I couldn't be there... I read about it in Charisma's blog... nice to know there was fun somewhere...

Oh self-pity... lol... nah just wondered if anyone noticed if I was not there... I highly doubt it... They looked like they were having real fun... and that is a good thing... I sigh deeply not being able to be there... though I wonder if my presence would have contributed to the fun or detracted from it... what with my ongoing strife with several unnamed people... it's not that I wish for strife in my life... but sometimes there is nothing you can do for certain situation, it's the other party that must take action...

Enough of the other people... haha... I'm going to cut this short because I have a date with wow... oh yeah...

To my confetti friend throw as much as you like... And Chris I'm trying peace instead of chaos...
I'm trying to make sense of everything, today I read something in the bible and the other book that goes with the bible called Our Daily Bread.

It spoke about the two greatest fears that fishermen faced in life, Storms at sea, and absolute calm sea. Now you'd understand the storm part, what about the calm? Well at sea when there is no wind a boat gets stuck, it can't move. And that is how life is, sometimes everything is a roller coaster, it going everywhere and usually always out of your control. However life can sometimes come to a complete stand still and you're going nowhere... There is nothing. However even when we've got to where the storm or stay put... The passage taught me to keep on praying for the Lord to be in my life that he will sustain me for his purpose... And that's all it really takes... trusting that God will work things out for you.

So whether you're like me stuck in a moment while storms rage around you, or having your own peril, look to God, you might be pleasently suprised.
With love,

New freedom found... in servitude

2006-06-24T19:30:00.000+08:00

I am different today, I thought more about God today then I usually do. I am trying to see things the way he wants me to see them. I am trying to submit to his will.

Today I was in church and my mum talked about depression... I thought I was depressed... But really I'm not... I've got all I need a God who loves me and a Savior who has died for me already on the cross. I have a family who love me and want me around. And I have friends... Slowly I am fixing the mistakes I made with them. I hope soon they will want me around as much as I want them around. Slowly that is one of my goals. However my main goal is to be back in the service of the most high doing what I do best playing the bass guitar. I've to find a church that will take me in, all will, and find a band. Before I join the band I have to get my walk with the Spirit right. Slowly... Small steps will end in a journey that will span my whole life.

It's bring great happiness to have a purpose again... I don't want to lose it... not again... I am no longer a wallower of sadness and disorder... but a source of joy and peace. I fragile chaos have broken and repaired with peace.

Peace and serenity... That is what I will seek for and I know I don't have to look far... Christ is always watching.

Once a long time ago a friend asked if I could ever be positive about life. My dear friend I now see that I can... I have found my path and not too late...

Thank you my Lord
With love,

Walking Away, Craig David... Thanks

2006-06-23T23:36:00.001+08:00

It's a good song... from a musical point of view it's soothing, it's light, it's smooth... From a lyrical stand point, walking away from the problems in your life? an interesting option? personally that's not how i think someone should deal with their problems... if you've screwed up you don't walk away, you hang in there and you weather the outcome.

Talking about weather, I was told by someone that I would experience storms in my relationships. At the time I thought it would be just one significant relationship. I thought that if I saw the signs I could prevent it. Little did I know that it would be storms in all my relationships. All my relationships are stormy, and I'm the one who sails into the storm. I've even managed this with my relationship with the most high. How is that? I've thought about it, many times over. I know why.

This same person told me that when I reached the eye of the storm and all around me was trouble only one I would call on the name of the Lord, and I would be rescued.

I know his power. I know he can save me. I just haven't asked him for the right reasons or maybe I don't have enough faith to see it's fullfilment.

I saw his power today. It was a song, I cried out in the car "what am I going to do, I don't know where I'm going anymore" and I hit the radio and you know what played, Sting and the Police Every Breath You Take, but not the whole song, just the last chorus it was an answer. He's watching me.

I have to die to in order to live for christ. Not physical but the old nature, and I have to be born of the spirit. I have to change the way I've been living. That is today, 11.54pm friday the 23 of june 2006. It's a new chapter to start. A cleansing, an understanding that I have to stop resisting the path before me and start living it. To start living the plan for my life. Not to just say the words but actually do it. I realise now how much in error I've been that I've been fighting his plan thinking what I was getting was better. However I wasn't, I just kept slipping further off the road. That can't be anymore. Life must change, and I must find salvation at the cross.

The wrong things have mattered to me for too long. The most important thing in my life suffered. My love for God, my love for Christ. I gave up on them to chase my sin. Not anymore.

The Lord has just been waiting patiently for me to see this. All I've ever needed and wanted is in Him. My Alpha and Omega, beginning and end. He calms the storm. His power, I've forgotten.

Now my purpose is to bring him Glory.

I understand finally what it means to die and be reborn.

Lord be with me.
With Love

Taking things too literal

2006-06-23T13:44:00.000+08:00

I realise that generally when a person says something they're supposed to mean what they say and say what they feel. However we live in a world of duplicity where not all that is said can be taken at face value. One of my nicknames happens to be DUALITY. It's in my nature to use over dramatise my problems to hide my agendas beneath them. Unfortunately not all can see through the veil and I am often misunderstood.

I should change, I often feel, it's not really the readers fault that they take what I say so literally... Perhaps in their place I would do the same. I am however paranoid and so analyze something three times over before I let it go.

So I apologize to those who have read my blog and were lead astray.

With love and new found hope,

Like a wounded animal...

2006-06-22T11:24:00.000+08:00

I am as the title implies a wounded animal, my pain is an emotional one manifesting itself in actual heartache.
All that I have come to love and look to for support is crumbling around me, my world is imploding upon the mess that it has become. My only solace, God and family, and shouldn't that be enough? It appears that no it isn't.
I love a person who doesn't share my feelings, i'm not upset that she doesn't share my feelings, i'm upset because suddenly every good thing that i've done for her has been tainted with doubt of its' sincerity. Everything I've ever said or done to her is suddenly wrong... How can that be? Why?
However such answers don't really need to be spoken. There is no point. There is no point to anything really. My life is draining of friendships, it seems to me that everyday I lose a friend.
Perhaps I drive them away? Should I care? It hurts, it really hurts... So I do care... I do!
Screw them... I didn't change they did... They can f*ck off for all I care now. I want them in my life, I do, but they've rejected me, they didn't admonish me with love, they just left me to fend for myself. How could I have been so stupid to start caring for people again... I will never make the same mistake a third time. I won't, I won't.

So my final words to you who may read this... If it offends you... Why did you come here?

Hits a nerve doesn't it? Guilt is a terrible thing...

With no love left

I sigh, in a deep and profound manor... obviously

2006-02-24T12:59:00.001+08:00

It the return to life I suppose... Gotta head back to life today... to monash... to other people... to responsiblity and stuff...

It's not really a bad thing I guess... but I've been at home for so so long... do I really want to go back...

ARGH!!! NO!!! LOL... I just want to stay at home and play WoW all day long...

I really wanna hit lvl 60... HUNTERS RULE...

so do pallies, priests and mages

but other than that you guys suck... yeah u shammies... and you warlocks... and youwarriors with your charge... stun lock the runner in WSG... argh... hate you... i like druids... except when it's a tauren... then well HORDE SUCK ASS!!!

Ok so sorry for the temporal lapse into the world of warcraft... I'm suffering already from withdrawal... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

My NE HUNTER ROCKS!!! She owns... pwn 2 priests the other day... both shadow... NOOBs...

LoL...

This is a very very random post

This post does not accurately reflect the author's true nature. Or does it?

Anyway... I will be in KL tonight... I expect to be busy moving in 2moro and the day after...

I hope there aren't any tutes next week

Anyways love you lots (readers)

Self loathing, friendships gone amuck... all in a day's work

2006-02-20T16:57:00.000+08:00

Angry at myself, why?

I know...
I understand...
I can't bring myself to say it...

That's how it goes... secrets... sigh... fear causes us to keep secrets... to run from the truth. What do we fear? We're afraid our secrets will drive people away from us... to be alone... that is sometimes all it really is... to want someone to hold you, to love you, to need you like you need them, to talk to you, to ask you how your day was, to notice you when no one in the world can see, just longing for that little extra that fill the void within you.

What's my secret?
That is not the question you should ask me... I cannot give you an answer, it would no longer be my secret... now would it?

What am I afraid of?
Ruined friendships, dark future...

Problem is, I am already alone :)

No one's ever asked me how my day was...

Duality, Tempest

2006-02-17T01:02:00.000+08:00

I will crush you; my every fiber, my will bears down for the kill,

I will destroy you; your life is not be worth the sand beneath my feet

I will finish you; death is your only solace now

I will feel no remorse; you deserve no further emotion

I hate you; these things you must now suffer

I am this raging fury, a burning inferno,

I am death’s hand, your soul’s devourer,

I am persecution, the whip that bleeds your back,

I am oppression, the weight upon your shoulder,

I am suffocation, tightness you clutch at your chest,

I am reality, I am illusion,

I am night as surely as I am day,

I am a two sided coin of reflected misery, I am duality

old works... holidays, OVER... crap... LOTS of IT!!!

2006-02-17T00:19:00.000+08:00

Hey if you're still reading this blog well good on you
i haven't updated this thing since october... MY BAD!!

I've been on vacation, so have some have some of my faculties... and sensebilties. Life is nothing more than meaningless garble at the moment...

I'm consumed by MMORPGs World of Warcraft so rocks... yeah

I'm a lvl 40 hunter night elf... wicked...

Nothings really the same and yet it feels so so so so so so so so stagnant...

I miss the ppl I love... I won't mention names...

BUT I STILL LOVE YOU!!!

yeah you with hair and you with a nose and more hair... 2 thumbs... yeah that you

Perhaps there will be more coherent stuff the next time I blog as my mental state nears University state again... Warming up the hyperdrive engines... hopefully I will still have comrades to ride with...

I may be persona non grata this season... such is life...

Mae Gyin, Maxine and Chris... and Nima... and those other ppl whose names are not mention cause my fingers are getting numb (i'm out of touch with the typing thing) looking forward to seeing you guys again...

Kevin we gotta catch up mate...
.......................................................

What's new... Eric and Syn are going to be stayin in the same apartment as me...
(Even where I stay is no longer the same)

EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKK!! lol... Life just stepped up to whole new level... expect many pasta invites... as well as spicy curry invites... I HAVE A STOVE... oh yeah... much cooking of the food will be done... (you guys are paying you do realise that lol)

Anyways if you're reading this... be well and God's bless you...

Title: illusions of love

Love is an illusion,
The bane of man's existence
It makes us weak,

It deceives our hearts,
It clouds our minds,
It shadows our judgment,

But never have I felt so strong, Nor my heart known such truth,
My mind seen so plainly,
And never have I been as sure as I am now,
When I say I love you.

Alive or a shadow of what life could be...

2005-10-28T11:38:00.000+08:00

It is indeed a sad state of affairs I agree that for so long I have kept to only myself. Truly I apologize for my tardiness in not updating this blog. However my mind has not exactly been in the right state of things and well to be honest I have truly not had many deep and profound things stewing in this mind I call home.

The final examinations have come upon us once again. It seems like only a month ago we had just enrolled in university and now we’re ending 3 months of a life we can never have back. 3 months I will never have back, holed up in my room allowing the world to depart further from me; further from humanity.

My departure is inevitable from life and what makes me human, so why do I quicken it? Why do I choose solitude over companionship?

If only I knew.

However I know nothing, and that my friends is an even sadder state of affairs. Haha, though some day when I shut my eyes forever and slumber as all things must do I may in that hour know the purpose of my being.

Better is a day in the court of God then a thousand years in the world.

Charisma, I’m still alive, and I miss hanging out with you so, so much! I know I spoke to you yesterday and I wasn’t my usual self it’s just the exam.

Maxine, I know anti-social is now synonymous with Tristan, but I’m not, I just need to think about where I was going.

With love

In misery's absence

2005-09-19T18:36:00.000+08:00

Misery's flight unexpected though it was, deep relief it brought, how long we shall be apart I know not, nor do I wish to guess, less I provoke her return prematurely. I shall miss her icy touch and her dark cold passion ever so little. For though we were at odds, still she loved me so.

Our parting was sudden,
She left before the sunrise,
On a friday it happened,
And without even goodbye,

And now it's a monday, her presence I feel no more, save the questions her absence has borne,

Am I miserable? No, I feel a joy beyond explanation,
Am I alone? Yes, however I have always been even when she was with me,
Am I at peace? No, for this corporeal world will never bring me peace,

She has left me with questions far to difficult for any man to put into words, questions in the form of feelings and emotions that mortal man has no words to hold in existance.

These questions are buried in me, and their truths shall be known when the time is right, perhaps, or they are questions that need no answers. It will be left to be seen.

More of me... In pieces... Misery does not love company, she loves only me!

2005-09-11T14:23:00.000+08:00

Me, Myself and I, are foes you see,
Chained together, never to be free,
With tooth and nail each day we fight,
Till the world in fullness sees our plight,

A torn mess we have become,
A fractured soul we have been made,
Despairs oh my soul for it was wrought in battle,
Upon the battlefront within my heart,

And here we are to be heard,
To be seen by the world
Aware not awake; breathing yet dead,
A statue of living stone from this hollow head,

Misery and I have had a long and truly trying relationship, we've know each other for years now. To say I know her well would be an understatement to say the least, she loves me deeply and her fondness for causing me to be miserable shows, she is my lover and friend without whom my life would have no strife, nor would it have meaning.
From the the strife and pain she causes I burn to become purer, like a diamond in a furnace. She has said with me through thick and thin never leaving me, never parting from my heart.
And though at times I wish her to go, in my heart I know without her I would become the man I never want to be. So thank you misery for loving me so...
Misery doesn't love company, she love me.

It's been awhile?

2005-09-02T10:23:00.000+08:00

*listening to the sounds of Good Charlotte ~ The Anthem *

It truly has been awhile!

I haven't like posted in 9 days... which reminds me of that song
Absolutely (The Story of A Girl) by Nine Days, pretty good song and so was their second one If I Am, but nothing really came of that band, it's sad when there are people all over the world who just don't and in some cases can't and won't appreciate good music, for example there's my dad...

Whenever I play Open Your Eyes ~ Alter Bridge he'll go, turn that tin pan rubbish off and his hand will instinctively reach for the volume control even though the song's barely a whisper, and it's the same for so many of the songs our generation, I figure old people don't know how to listen to the words of the songs that we're producing today,

If you'd ever listened to an oldie you'd find that they generally have very little consequential meaning, the basic oldie is about things like summer, love, and rain. Which is very unlike the music of today, where so many songs are extremely political, some are filled with despair, others filled with hope, some detest love and others embrace it wholly, the songs of today reflect the hearts of people,

However when I say songs, I’m not counting stuff like pop, Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake just to name a few couldn’t write about anything intelligent even if they expired every cell in their, for a lack of a better word “brain”, she’s to busy “Doin somethin” to do much else, its either that or she’s running around half naked and getting pregnant before being married. And he’s too busy trying to get girls naked in his songs (fat chance Richard Cranium).

No, no, pop is definitely not even a form of music; it’s more like a hybrid form of frenzy inducing noise. If only the forefathers of music could hear what these pop fellows are doing to their music I think they’d turn over in their graves. I pity the masses so suckered into pop music, it so bad that sometimes I think it borders on the imbecilic, and it would be extremely laughable save for the numbers so sadly entrenched in the faux music that is pop.

You want music that means something, bands like U2, The Gun & Roses, Metallica, Staind, Lifehouse, Planet Shakers, musicians like Alanis Morrisette, Norah Jones, just to name a few. These are people of quality, not quantity.

Change the music you listen to before it’s too late…

The Jakarta Deception

2005-08-23T22:44:00.000+08:00

It’s been about a week since my last post, I apologize deeply for my absence from the world of self opinionated, egocentric blogging… Truly I say to you people of the world (Whose numbers are currently people who have so much free time to keep up with my nonsensical ramblings, it borders on criminal) that many deep and profound brain things have indeed passed through my mind these last (almost) se7en days.

Things like the real reason behind the haze!

It seems to me that the haze we experienced was all a big ploy by the Indonesian government to take over our (cough, cough) our fair and beautiful land… You wonder how… well think about it they burn their forest and the smoke produced is carried by the wind to our fairest Malaysia (gagging). What is produced from the burning of wood?

Chemistry 101, carbon dioxide, carbon monoxide and a whole host of other cancer inducing substances! It’s like everyone in Malaysia smoking cigarettes all day long, can you think of the ramifications the smoke would have on our lungs? Doh! Lung cancer!!!

They tried the same tactic before… in a different way though; it started with their ‘Illegal’ immigrants, taking up every single factory position because they were willing to work for less than any KFC loving, belacan breathing Malaysian and putting our people (I use the term very loosely) out of business, Malaysians couldn’t find jobs anymore… so they did what any other nation without jobs do, Malaysian vices increased, smoking and drinking were at an all time high, in came the Indonesian sempurna brand cigarettes and the Indonesian ‘top beer’, cheaper then 90% of the cigarettes and beers in the Malaysian market, making them the best solution for cash strapped Malaysians who had no jobs at the time, however their fiendish plot was stopped. And life continued, Malaysians were oblivious as always save their new tendency to smoke and drink which has been passed on to their children hence the birth of places like Bangsar and Hartamas, and then came the first haze, an accident truly.

But the Indonesians were crafty they realized that the haze would be an even easier and more effective way of causing wide spread lung cancer. Not to mention their government was strapped for cash because they had invested heavily in cigarette and beer commercials with skimpily dressed women in an attempt to aggressively sell their previously mention product. So this time they set fire to their forest, and they synchronized this with the burnings in Putrajaya so no one person could wholly blame them for the haze.

Why lung cancer? It’s terminal… If no one is left in Malaysia, they don’t need to fight… We all saw what happened to their army in East Timor.

No offence people of Indonesia, someone had to be the butt of the joke, sorry it had to be you. To all my Indonesian friends who read this…

Please take it in the spirit it was meant, I don’t mean what I just said. It’s only for laughs. Please don’t be hurt!

(The Jakarta Deception is a work of fiction. Names, places and incidents either are a product of the author’s imagination or are used fictitiously)

Randomness and Stuff like that...

2005-08-17T17:25:00.000+08:00

Alive, Am I today?

Feel pain, do I this day,

Joy, it is fair to say,

You will find none in me this day,

Alone as always, no change today,
In the dark to brood I stay,

No place for my head to lay,

No refuge, no solace this day,

In your heart, in your soul I wait,

For rescue to come my way,

In your hand my bare heart is laid,

To trust, to keep, to love and break,

My life to take,

No strength have I today,

This world to leave, a decision I cannot make,

In your hands as always my life is, just like this day

I wrote that during dynamics class (16/8/05) ... A sure fire way to gain creative inspiration... N0T!!! Class was so dull I had to find something for my mind to do... So I thought of suicide... But that lecture wasn't worth my life... so a poem was the answer...

Also I was told by a very, very, very good friend (Charisma) that she preferred posts like, Who Is Kerc? Seems to give her more insight on how I think... Does anyone truly want to know how my mind works? Instructions weren't included when they built my model... a bit defective so I guess they figured it wasn't truly necessary…

Haha my mind, my mind what a place… Dark, gloomy, damp, somewhat dense (with knowledge)… similar to what you’d find beneath a rotting piece of wood… haha, except no mushrooms. (Mushrooms Maxine there aren’t any mushrooms in my head)

Ah mushrooms what can I say about mushrooms, the most beautiful fungus God could have produced on decaying matter, you could use them to make soup, creamy, creamy soup, or fry them in a pan with some butter and a little garlic, a pinch of salt… magnificent! I love pourte bello mushrooms… Big and succulent each has a diameter of approximately 3.5 inches… What a mushroom! Then there are truffles, just a few scrapes is enough to flavour anything… Mushrooms… I love them… I love mushrooms…

Now that’s randomness… It’s how my mind works… hahaha…

Anyways that all for now… people feed back please…

Who is Kerc?

2005-08-13T01:25:00.000+08:00

My head hurts; the pain like a vice crushing my skull,
My eyes burn; like smouldering coals have been placed against my eyelids,
My lips are dry; all I drink turns to vinegar in my mouth,
My mind is dulled, my consciousness suppressed,

That sums how I feel at the moment, insanity and mind rot is creeping over me, sigh, no long winded poem tonight, just me and my somewhat dulled sense of humour, I can’t write a poem this night, no not this night, this night I shall be me, which me you wonder? The one buried beneath my defences, the savage beneath my facade, my alter ego, my Mr. Hyde. His name is Kerc.

Kerc was born on a night with no true distinguishable characteristics save, the moon was hidden behind the clouds, and the stars weren’t their brightest, and the rain poured it’s hardest. He was born out of necessity; born from my soul’s brief union with death. He rose from the tears that burned my pillow that night, from the anguish and pain that flowed like rivers from my heart.

He took up his residence within my mind, he became my friend; my brother. He told me the world would never hurt us that way again, he told me to close the gates around our heart, to never love again, to never feel again. We could nurture each other he promised. He promised we wouldn’t make the same mistakes.

But we did, we kept making those mistakes; he hasn’t kept his promise. He is the monster now, the snake that slithers through malice and enjoys wickedness. I loathe Him, yet more and more he comes to the surface.

Day and night we battle for supremacy, for dominance of this crude shell. I win most times. He is strong. But through Christ I am stronger. I must resist his evil; he must not enter this world. He is my Mr. Hyde.

Let Go

2005-08-09T13:16:00.000+08:00

I was told the other day that I’ve grown too dark, (mentally)
That my mind is a dark and frightening place as if a void separated me from mankind, as if I were tormented by some unseen demons and that all that comes from it is filled with hate, anger, murder. As if all that I can think of is MDK… Murder Death Kill…
Ok those weren’t the words used… However that is the gist. Or at least the way I see it…

A friend wants me to talk about something ‘pretty’, it’s difficult for me. I am truly filled with a lot of negativity… I tried hard and I wrote this poem… It is the only hope in my life, a promise God made to me through his word, His salvation is free all I need is to have faith; there will always be hope because His grace is sufficient, He will always love me because in His eyes, I am His child. So this poem is about Him and for Him.

I love You Lord Jesus and I always will.

I know You love me too.

Title: Let Go

Let go of all that you know,
Of everything you hold close to your soul,
Be free of all control,
Release yourself into life’s living flow,

Let God’s hand be your guide,
His voice, your light,
Let your ears be your eyes for sight can lie,
Hear His word, know the truth,

Salvation is free, to all who believe,
Hope there is always, for His grace is sufficient,
And if a sparrow He can love and care for,
How much more you.

Before I knew Him, He knew me,
In my mother’s womb, He loved me,
He created me, I am unique,
He gave me my destiny,

He was there when I was born,
He brought me safely to this world
He was there when I first walked,
When I fell he picked me up,

He was there when I first spoke,
He was gladdest when I first praised,
When I did good, he blessed,
When I sinned, he forgave,

He promised to never forsake me,
To always to walk with me,
And He will be there when I die,
And then He will take me home.

The Enemy Within These Halls.

2005-08-05T21:41:00.000+08:00

There is an enemy within these halls,
There is an evil in my sanctuary’s walls,
There is no hiding this perversion,
There is no escaping this entity, for it is my mind & my heart,

In the shell of skin,
It is masked by smiles,
Beneath the surface it lies,
It waits for the light to die,

In the cage of bones,
It is shielded; it is safe,
It is not trapped,
It is home,

In the canals of blood,
It burns my soul,
From thought to emotion,
It turns me cold,

In the seat of life,
It plots; it schemes.
It feeds my lies,
It rules my life,

It breeds; it feeds,
The hatred I indulge,
The jealousy I allow,
Everything I abhor,

It is who I am,
It is what I have become,
And it could become you,
It is too late; It is already in you too.

Prayer and Salvation... The end is nigh!

2005-07-28T14:19:00.000+08:00

Lambasted, berated, praised, exalted,
Questioned, queried, joy, sadness, feelings, emotions,
Does is not it feel like sometimes life can only amount to here and now?

That nothing we do has a higher purpose,
That we are indeed a random set of coincidental occurrences in our initial forming,
Are we random pieces of a puzzle?

Do we have a preordained purpose or are we just the crude flesh,
Which we see in the mirrors that line the narrow halls of our minds,
Finitely closed, of which we are so caught up with?

Then something changes it all from being without direction to a sudden goal,
I saw that direction, that light, I lost it, and I found it again,
But it isn’t as bright as it use to be, there is so much between the light and I,
Too much darkness has crept in,

I struggle to reach that shore where the light stands,
But it seems impossible; the waves are too high,
And the storm darkens my way further,

The winds at my back howl like wolves,
Only turmoil is clear in its infinite unchanging chaos,
Even so my ship remains a stagnant beast.

The sins of man have separated us for too long from the maker,
We can’t find our way back to him, into the water I fall,
It is when I have lost all power over my life, You are strongest,

And I see You there, standing on the waters in the stormy night,
Like Peter, I feebly try to reach You; I rise from the water,
I walk upon it, but I hear the winds again and feel the rain,
I fall into the deep,

I am drowning; I try to reach the surface again, to reach You,
I can’t; the currents pull me further down, my lungs burn for air,
Am I dying? Have You forsaken me? Where are You?

I see You, but my vision tunnels, it is too dark to see You,
I am expiring, my arms and legs are numb, all becomes still,
The cold seeps in; my flame is nigh extinguished,

The random pieces that we are, we are lost, and we are alone
We think so, but we are not, Your hand rushes in, it clasps my own,
And it pulls me to the surface; I rise for an eternity,

An instant later, I’m standing with You,
I stand steady in Your embrace,
Have faith, You say I will never forsake You, I will always love You,
And this is his covenant with me,

Deep and directed unadultrated hatred!

2005-07-28T00:09:00.000+08:00

I hate life at this moment... I hate you... yeah you! You know why? Because I can! You can hate me too... It doesn't make a difference... I don't know who you are! Quite frankly, today I couldn't care less... In the deep darkest parts of my heart... I feel hate, anger, rage, jealousy and murder today, You want to know why? I'm telling you whether you like it or not, keep reading! What was it about today? A look? A voice? A person?I'm not sure... It could have been all 3, I don't care... I burn... and

My soul is engulfed in rage,
My blood pulses in my temples,
My anger rise to the surface,
My hatred I embrace,

Joy and sadness,
Apprehension and expectation, at its return fills me,
Too long have we been separated,
The sudden sense of familiarity,

The pain of heartache long buried returns,
The life I lead returns to haunt me,
The mask I've long held falls to pieces,
Stare upon death itself I do,

Now I feel the cold emptiness return,
My life as it is today,
My life as it has been today,
I am alone, my hatred, my only warmth.

So I hate you for being you, you know why? Because I can't be you, Not even for a day...
Pray for the fragile mind, now in its hour of chaos!

Today's poem on top of the one above,

Title: Rage

The rage rises in my blood once again,
The hatred pounding in my skull once again,
The bloodlust returns, a broken soul's vengeance,
The abomination is taking control, I'm helpless again

I can taste hate's bitterness in my mouth,
I can feel its excitement as the cycle begins again,
I can feel the pressure in my head build as it asserts itself again,
My every fibre burns with hatred for you,

You ask me why? I answer,
You opened the flood gates,
You ask me how? I answer,
I loved you; you could not see it,

Now I loathe your presence,
Now I will cut your cancer from my heart,
Now the demon long buried returns,
Now this pain must die,

You must die, my bloodlust assuaged,
I must die; sins price my soul's suicide,
And I will laugh over your grave,
And I will cry over your grave,

Then there will be silence.

After a short break for no apparent reason...

2005-07-22T11:23:00.000+08:00

Just getting settled into my 1st week at uni... life is pretty sweet at the moment... haha... not much is a miss... classes are interesting... and most importantly friendship repairing... and new one's are being formed... life is definately on the bright side or perhaps because I have more light in my i.e. God...??? He's guiding me and I guess I feel His hand holding mine... It's good when He is in control, suddenly there is a direction and a purpose to your life...

I wonder then why do we often go astray? Like myself... I know what it's like having Him in my life and still I let myself slip... being in the presence of God is intoxicating... It's euphoric... and yet we allow ourselves to lose that high...?? It's a good high, followed by a deep understanding of how special we truly are... and we are special... each and everyone of us... some of us can smile no matter the situation and make other smile... happiness can be infectious... and there are those of us... who no matter what can always make sense of utter chaos...

I'm blessed to be with people like that... I have so many that I can't and won't list them... but they know who they are. They make my life bareable... and I love each and ev'ryone of them.

A poem for them I wrote...

Title: For You

When above my head dark clouds gather, and storms are unforgiving,
When shine no more my face can, and shadow rises to take me,
When surrounds me all that have and no path can I find,
Then in my hour need God and you are there, ever patient, ever waiting,

The smiles, the words, the helping hands, the love,
When all else in my life fail God and comrades I will always have,
When all consumes me, only these words do I have for you,
I will say in sweetest surrender, Thank You.

Absolute and complete nothingness

2005-07-14T23:39:00.000+08:00

I realise yesterday I promised to relate the happenings of my prom (and its subsequent morning) however I can't, not tonight at least...
I begun the day at 9am... there was an exam to be done and after that some wasting of the time... after which I proceeded with my uni mates (sounds like a new breed of monkey) to pyramid where there was a frenzied purchasing of 14 tickets to watch the Fantastic Four, we the proceeded to lunch at A & W
(I should receive some form of payment for all the names I've mentioned... Free Advertising... Sigh)
Moving on... movie was pretty good... I wished Charisme had been there... she's always nice to have around... it was fun all in all...
Then we went our separate ways... Mine happen to be the same as Marcus, Vero, and Aries... we hung out did some official University type stuff... haha... then there was some eating(integral to the daily existance of most homosapiens, homoerectusians[if that word even exists] and even cromagnian man) so it is a well established fact, when humans meet... they eat...
Then there were plans made to do some internet gaming on my condo's local area network (which hence forth shall be refered to as LAN) After which there was another run to pyramid because my computer had a limited amount of RAM... I purchased more RAM and found it to be completly defunked... it had to be sent back... more travelling, some cursing... a stop at Mc Donalds and a cheese burger later... my computer was up and running... there was some gaming, marcus poor chap couldn't join... something funky was goin on with his input/output aparatus... we could not detect him... it was too small... the bandwidth i mean... so the network lagged and only steven and I could... play...
So after the playing, I did some of the chatting.. and now the blogging...

This blog was definately not filled with anything deep or profound... well you read the title and choose to continue reading... haha... so if you've got this far... why not leave me a comment... so I will have something to read.. instead of my own drivel.

The prom events will come soon... I hope...

A poem... deep and profound? You tell me... haha

2005-07-13T21:45:00.000+08:00

As I lay my head down this night,

I fear I shall not see the morning's light,

I fear this night my flame shall be smothered,

And all to soon shall I see divine light or Hell's blight,

And though I be dead to the world,

I live still in thee,

In Thy memory,

Cursed am I for knowing,

That I myself caused my greatest pain,

And my soul's death,

I owe it all to mine self,

In thee I sought my refuge,

In thee my solace,

When my corpse is laid in eternal slumber,

Weep not for me,

Rejoice instead for now thine own suffering has ended,

And my torment still to come.

Tomorrow:

I will post the events of a certain prom and the eventuallities of the night and its subsequent morning.

profound type stuff not here yet... peace out

2005-07-12T12:54:00.000+08:00

So here i am blogging... wooooooooooooooo hoooooooooooooooo,
it's my first entry... so i guess there isn't much too right now...

It's half past 12 in the afternoon... I'm hungry... oh am I majorly hungry...
It's been a pretty sleepy day overall...
I had a late start this morning (10.00 am) since there was nothing to be done...

Anyways since Mae Gyin and Kevin are here and... well if I don't move quick I will be bruised by Mae Gyin so this all for now... check back later for more deep and profound brain stuff...

Edit:

Ok it was a false alarm... we didn't go anywhere... unfortunately... we were supposed to go to Mindy's place but it didn't happen so... I'm continuing my less than deep and profound stuff... haha

They're still in my room being all lovey dovey... it's funky ... haha... ok it's stopped (riiiiiiiiight)

anyways I don't have much to say really so this ends my edit...